Lessons from 5 Sages: 3 Doors Down, Buddha, Elder Wirthlin, C.S. Lewis, and Lady Gaga

It's been a while since I've written, and a lot of things have come to my mind lately. But these three things have stood out the strongest lately. And as I was thinking about them today, I realized that they are all connected.

The first is the song "If I could be like that" by 3 Doors Down.




I love the lyrics. They're piercing.

He’s spent his whole life being too young

To live the life that’s in his dreams
And then he lies awake and he wonders
Why can't that be me?

'Cause in his life he is filled 
With all these good intentions
He's left a lot of thing
He'd rather not mention right now

Just before he says goodnight
He looks up with a little smile at me
And he says

"If I could be like that 
Well I would give anything
Just to live one day
In those shoes"

If I could be like that
What would I do?
What would I do?

Now in dreams we run

She spends her days up in the north park
Watching the people as they pass
And all she wants is just a little piece of this dream
Is that too much to ask?

With a safe home and a warm bed
On a quiet little street
All she wants is just that something to hold on to
That's all she needs

If I could be like that 
Well I would give anything
Just to live one day
In those shoes

If I could be like that
What would I do?
What would I do?

I'm falling into this in dreams
We run away

If I could be like that 
Well I would give anything
Just to live one day
In those shoes

If I could be like that
What would I do?
What would I do?

How many times in my life have I felt like the boy at the beginning of the song, perpetually outside looking in, seeing my dreams just beyond my fingertips? 

How many times have I said those words to myself?

If I could be like that 
Well I would give anything
Just to live one day
In those shoes

It's almost heartbreaking to think of how long I've been waiting. Waiting for life to start. Waiting to be loved. Waiting to be happy. Waiting to be worth something. 

But the more I think about it, the more I believe that waiting is focused on the wrong thing. I've been waiting for ages for the outside world to fulfill internal needs. I need to love myself, and I need to live my life right now. Then I can have those days I've dreamed of.

I believe it was Buddha that said "Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without."

But it is one thing to understand that, and another to internalize it. 

I spent a lot of my life trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be. Because if I was perfect for them, then they would love me. I would be lovable. And then I would be happy. 

But I was never perfect. And even when I got close, others never made me happy. 

I think that is something that many members of the church can relate to. It is in that light that I reference the late Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin.

"Some are lost because they are different. They feel as though they don’t belong. Perhaps because they are different, they find themselves slipping away from the flock. They may look, act, think, and speak differently than those around them and that sometimes causes them to assume they don’t fit in. They conclude that they are not needed.


"Tied to this misconception is the erroneous belief that all members of the Church should look, talk, and be alike. The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of Heavenly Father’s children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole.
This variety of creation itself is a testament of how the Lord values all His children. He does not esteem one flesh above another, but He “inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; . . . all are alike unto God.”


". . .Brothers and sisters, if only we had more compassion for those who are different from us, it would lighten many of the problems and sorrows in the world today. It would certainly make our families and the Church a more hallowed and heavenly place."


I have felt that way. Perhaps I always have. Especially here in Provo there is a false belief that the only kind of good person is a person that looks and acts and talks a certain way. Everyone feels the pressure to be that person, and no one ever becomes that person. Thus, Utah has made its way as the most depressed state in the nation. Because we never feel like we are enough. 


Yet, while we struggle, we send others the message that they're not enough. But true Christianity, true charity, means loving and accepting others, telling them that they're enough, even when they aren't perfect. Even if you completely disagree with them. 


That leads me to my final point. To begin, I'd like to reference this video:






Yup, that's Lady Gaga. Or, Stefani Germanotti, to be exact. The resemblance is definitely there, but something changed between the salad-eating days and the days of international stardom.


Had we been a customer in that restaurant we would have looked right over her, passed her right by. She seems a girl of no consequence, someone who won't amount to much. Dare I say she even looks borderline frumpy (my sincere apologies to all the disciples of Gaga who find that blasphemous).


If we had stopped and spoken to her we may have learned that she was a struggling musician, that she played night clubs waiting for her big break, but we probably wouldn't have really believed that she would become something great.


But here she is today:

Who knew that within the seemingly inconsequential girl of Stefani Germanotti was a person that would send a ripple throughout the world, influencing others with her music, and becoming an international icon?


No one knew. And that's the point.


Within each and every one of us is someone that can change the world. Each of us has a message for the people of this earth. Each of us has something of value, and if we let that out, we can do incredible things.


C.S. Lewis said:
"There are no 'ordinary' people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations -- these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit -- immortal horrors or everlasting splendors."
"It is a serious thing," says Lewis, "to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship."


We have limitations and obstacles, of course. But greatness and happiness are within our grasp. Perhaps we are waiting, dreaming of the day that we can live "in those shoes." But we don't have to. We don't have to be lost, feeling like outcasts. Because peace comes from within, so does power. So does joy. So does confidence and security and faith. We are mighty beings, kept from reaching our great potential simply by our own self-doubt. 


But if we can overcome that doubt, that fear, we can become great. We can change the world. And greatest of all, we can be happy.

Searching for Certainty

My boyfriend and I had an interesting conversation today. We talked a bit about our relationship, and we both agree that this phase of our relationship is nearing an end. We discussed things like moving in together, and even marriage. It made me smile to see the subtle excitement in his eyes as we talked about some of that. But I could also see some of the nervous apprehension that I knew was in my own eyes.

There are some big steps coming up, and these type of steps require certainty. I have always been the type that hates risks. I want to know the result before I make the decision. I don't want to risk anything. And it's the same way with this. I want to know for certain that this is the guy. I don't want any doubt. But it's difficult to have that certainty when I've never dated anyone else. Heck, I've barely even had conversations with other gay guys. I know that I love him, but I want to know for certain that I want him above anyone else. But where does such certainty come from?

I know that relationships are things of risk and trust by their very nature. It doesn't matter if you're gay or straight, we all experience these things. So where does the certainty come from that motivates people to pledge their love to each other and build a life together, despite the hardships? Perhaps the certainty is already here, and the doubt I'm experiencing is simply there for its own sake. I don't know.

Our conversation shifted from there to more religious topics. We don't often talk about being gay in a religious context, so tonight was interesting. My boyfriend mentioned the fact that I had dated a girl before, and that I had experienced attraction to some small degree. He said that if we did end up together, he didn't want me to be living a lie, or deceiving myself. But that's how I felt before. And that's what I feel like when I think of having a straight relationship and living the traditional life. Like it would be trying to fit myself to others' expectations, having to stifle the parts of me that the world didn't want.

And then, once again, we come to doubt. My boyfriend and I talked about our whole situation from a religious standpoint, wondering aloud what the real solution was. Where do we fit in the grand scheme of things? What role do we play in God's plans for everything?

The more we talked the more I felt the need for revelation reaffirmed. We need answers, and only divine ones will suffice. I've heard convincing cases for and against homosexuality using the scriptures, and so it's clear that our definitive answer isn't there. And the solutions that the church offers seem to rob our lives of all purpose and joy. Yet the plan the world sets before me destroys all certainty from a religious standpoint. So what's the answer? I feel like the only thing that will suffice is the word of God directly from his lips. We need answers, and we need the ordained prophet of God to receive them. So I hope he's asking.

But we're taught that God gave us two lines to heaven. The prophet is one. And the other is the one we claim directly. One that I have neglected to use for some time. And when it comes to this issue, I seem to have always avoided the subject. I don't know that I've ever actually prayed and asked right out what he would have me do, or what his viewpoint was. And I think I'm scared to. I don't want to go back to the dark place I was before, feeling conflicted and tormented by two seemingly-incongruent parts of myself. There was no peace nor happiness there.

I know what I'd like to hear. I want to be told that there is a purpose in all this, that my attraction is part of a grand design, and that I can find happiness through a family of my own. I have heard from others who felt that God was leading them that way, but is that where he wants me?

I think what I want most is to have my own conviction reaffirmed, regardless of what that is. But the thing is, I never felt divine confirmation that my guilt-inducing, self-hating philosophy was right.

So maybe it's time I start turning my attention heavenward. Perhaps with time and effort I will be able to finally ask God what he thinks about all this. But I need to be free from any other influence, personal, cultural, emotional, etc. I need to be able to know that what I receive is from him. And to do that I need to be free from all bias, ready to receive any answer. Come to think of it, that's exactly what the church needs as well. We need to be ready to accept the answer, whatever it may be.

I take great comfort in the fact that my God looks upon my heart, and that throughout the tumultuous events of the last year he has been judging me based on my sincere desires. I am grateful for a God of mercy, who never condemns nor abandons. And I take strength in my God of change, who takes the rough man that I am and works to mold me into someone more compassionate, more forgiving, more willing to serve and to love. And when it comes down to it, I think those changes are more important to my God than my orientation.

In this situation it sometimes feels like we are alone, and that no one is willing to understand. But I know that God is. Perhaps my view of God strays from the "traditional" understanding of who he is. But I'll take my ever-present God of compassion over a fearsome God of anger any day.

On that note, I love this scripture. It has come to represent all that God has done for me. And that impact has been made simply by being there.

"...I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."

Randomness

So, this is probably going to be a pretty disjointed post, mostly because I have no idea where I'm going with it. I just know that I want to write something.

I went to that party last night and it's all I keep thinking about. I want to go again so badly, just to meet people and to feel part of a community again. I have the same urge to over indulge that you get when you haven't eaten in a long time, and then a feast is set before you. You want to eat everything, and often do. I think the technical term is binging. I want to binge on socializing. Haha!

I'm worried, though, that when I get back to Provo I won't have the opportunity. I squirm at the thought of having to go back into that suffocating disguise and live my life as a closeted gay. I feel like the culture of Utah county is crushing me. Not good when I have another year and a half.

I've also been thinking a lot today about my future, and where I want to be. I was asked last night where I see myself at the end of everything, which is something that I think every gay or lesbian spends considerable time thinking about, simply because our future isn't conveniently set up with scaffolding, waiting for us to fill in the details. We're creating something of a completely different sort, and previous blueprints just won't do.

And honestly, this is something that has come up on its own accord in the last couple weeks. The end of December marked a full ten months since I've been seeing a therapist, and because of those meetings I feel better than I have ever felt in my life. I am happy, I like myself, and I am at peace with my sexuality. Except for this new little thought that is coming in.

It's almost as if because I'm finally becoming happy and functional that part of me feels obligated to become straight. As if being gay only comes if you're an emotional mess and screwed up. I don't feel the same urges to party it up like I used to. I feel very content, and I guess some part of me thinks that means I have to be straight. But I don't want to be. And the attraction hasn't changed, that's for sure. In all reality I want to be a functional and happy gay man. Someone confident about himself, someone supportive of others, and someone that can find joy and happiness regardless of the world around him.

Today my family and I went to see the musical "Savior of the World" at the conference center. It was absolutely beautiful. And of course, I got emotional throughout it. But as I thought through this question, the one about my orientation now that I'm finally starting to be able to stand on my own two feet, I didn't feel like I was being urged to switch teams. I actually felt like I was heading in the right direction. I feel like this part of me is going to play a huge role in my life. And I feel like the better I know and understand it, the more I will be able to help other people.

So I hope that as I focus on that aspect of this, the urge to try and change something that I never could change before will subside. Because why should I have to change myself now that I actually like myself, and now that I am finding the type of people that I feel at home with? It's just not logical, nor do I want it.

In fact, I would like to be more social. Curse Provo!

An Anniversary

I realize that I haven't been on here for a while. I'm planning to redo the whole look and purpose behind this thing and make it something that I'll add to more actively. I also realize that I haven't put much down in terms of my personal story, which was a major point in creating this blog. But that will come. I want to write tonight, because it's a special night, and I want to remember it.

Despite daily living below the radar, just over a year ago I was talking online with people like me. I was suffocating, trying to bury or fix this part of myself, and I needed to talk to someone. And I found people. All kinds of people. And it helped. But there was one boy in particular that I really connected with. Talking with him felt almost familiar. And it was a year ago tonight that I met him in person for the first time.

A year has passed, and hardly a day has gone by that I haven't spent part of it with him. I look back and I can see how much I've changed, how much happier I am, how much stronger I am. And I owe it to him. When we first met, I was naive and insecure. And now I can look in the mirror and like the person I see, for all his good qualities and gifts. I've learned to love myself, and in the process, come to love that boy.

Tonight, my boyfriend and I celebrate a year together. We didn't do anything special. In fact, most of the evening we just laid together, our arms wrapped around one another. But as I looked into those eyes that I have looked into for a year now, I felt a connection unlike what I've felt before. Maybe it's been there for a while, and I just haven't seen it. But tonight I saw it. Tonight, with him, I felt home. I felt family. And maybe the world isn't quite the way I'd like it to be, and maybe it's not going to change anytime soon. But that's okay. Because I have somewhere to go. I have someone to run to. And I have a future. Something I couldn't see a year and a day ago.

And so, tonight, I'm grateful. For the wonderful man that was brought into my life, and who has made all the difference.

Feeling Split

So, I've been feeling a lot of the normal confusion surrounding this whole situation. Trying to figure out what trumps what, feelings or spiritual devotions. It's difficult. And it doesn't help that there seem to be so few options. Unless you miraculously change and can live a traditional life (and I've talked to people who have experienced this, but they go through hell in the process), you have to be celibate to be a full fledged active member of the church. And there's just nothing after that.

But not only have I been playing with the idea of trying to change, again, but I've had the question going through my mind for the last week or so, "do I really even want to be straight?" I know what most people would say to that. "Of course you do!" They don't even hesitate. I think that many straight people, especially members of the church, think that this is painful, or awkward for us. It feels uncomfortable and ill-fitting to them, so it certainly must to us. But it doesn't. It doesn't feel awkward at all. It feels like it fits, like the feeling of finally finding the matching puzzle piece you've been looking for and pressing the two into place. The awkward feeling is the one that comes when I think of having a deep and personal relationship with a woman.

Another thing that many straight people may not realize is that the draw is not purely physical. Really, the biggest attraction to a same-sex relationship is emotional. As I think about it, I think that the body can learn attraction. I've heard it said that the most powerful sex organ is the brain. But that, in essence, is the problem. I think I'd have a harder time feeling comfortable in an emotionally intimate way with a woman. And that, of course, affects all the rest. The emotional draw for a relationship with another guy is the most powerful and rewarding part of it all.

But on the other side of the coin, I don't want to have to lose my faith and my religious devotions because of the way I feel. Honestly, I'd like to regain some of the spirituality that I've lost since this all blew up in my face (another story for another time, but one that needs to be told).  I want to go to church, watch general conference, the whole lot. But I don't want to feel like an outsider, either. And I don't want to wonder what will happen after this life. Yeah, God loves us. Of course he does. Anyone who says otherwise is not a true Christian. But laws are laws. I just wish we knew a little more about his thoughts on all these issues.

I think one thing that gets to me the most is that if I chose to follow my feelings, then I wouldn't reach my full potential, and I'd somehow fail in fulfilling some grand purpose or task that I had promised to do before this life. Honestly, I feel that in some way, that purpose has to do with the way I feel. I just don't know what side of the emotions it will all be on.

Anyway, I take comfort in the love God has for all of us. Most of the time the only thing I can say that I truly want is for him to lead me where he wants me to be. I don't know where that is, but I'm assuming it's good.