Retrospection: Coming Home, the Inner Battle, and Diagnosis

School started, and I expected to fall back into the perfect slot I had fit in when I left BYU. During my freshman year, BYU was paradise. But now that I was back I found that much of what I had loved before I couldn’t stand. Church meetings were bland and felt hollow, like people were just telling stories. People seemed to be missing the point of the gospel in all their gospel-talk. And the culture was extremely appearance-based. I couldn’t believe this was the same place I had been before.

            In addition to that, my feelings were getting stronger. In the repressed state I was in they manifested themselves in unhealthy ways, often hyper-sexually. I couldn’t talk to anyone, and there were some days I would weep, pleading for help. But God never answered. Not like I expected. He never sent someone to call me when I needed it. He never took my feelings away.

            Finally, I couldn’t take it and I began chatting with other gay youth online. At least there I could gain some sense of connection. In the midst of this I began to feel the weight of the anti-gay position of the church more and more. I feared to talk to people about this, and I felt very alone.

            I made friends with a couple people online that I enjoyed talking with regularly. Looking back, however, I realize how unfulfilling these virtual relationships were.

            In November of 2009 I went with Monique and some of her friends to see New Moon, the new Twilight movie. I went, excited to be with friends. But through the entire movie I found myself drawn to Taylor Lautner. I was a repressed gay boy, and he was a hot guy on the silver screen. It was killing me inside. I couldn’t beat the emotions down, and it was making me sick.

            Monique noticed, and asked if I was okay. I lied and tried to look better, but I’ve always been a bad liar. On the drive home I stared out the window the whole time. For the first and only time in my life I truly honestly wanted to die. I’ve never been able to think seriously about suicide. But in that moment, I wanted the car to crash and I wanted to cease existing.

            A week or so later I was texting with Monique. She asked about that night, and I finally decided to tell her. “Monique, I think I’m gay,” I texted. She was shocked. She had never seen it coming. And she hit me with all the questions that tore at my soul. Did I still believe in God? Was I leaving the church? What did I feel about celestial marriage? Some of the questions hurt, because she was supposed to know me. She was my best friend. And she had to ask so much. I told her that I was the same person, with the same faith, but with this attraction. That seemed to be enough for the time being.

            The next day she wanted to talk on the phone. We set a time, and I endured the texts that came in the meantime. A couple hours before we were going to talk I had a doctor’s appointment. I was having pain in my lower abdomen, and I went to get it checked out. They thought it was an infection, but the meds hadn’t been working. So we went to get an ultrasound. The doctors sat down with me and told me that I had a tumor, and it was malignant. I was 21, and I had cancer.

I handled the news well. I called my parents and even joked about it. We set up a time for the surgery the following week. And then I left.

I sat in my car and bawled. Not only had I failed on my mission, and I was an abomination for liking guys, but now I had cancer. I felt betrayed by God, whom I had tried to serve so diligently. I bent over the steering wheel and wept.

A moment later, there was a tap on my window. Two women, one likely the mother of the other, were at my passenger window. I rolled down the window.

“Are you alright?” one asked. The tears kept coming. I told them about the tumor. I told them how the doctors thought that perhaps the conditions on my mission contributed to it. I just cried. They asked if I had family nearby. I told them no, I was an hour away from home.

They walked over to my door, pulled me out of the car and wrapped their arms around me and wept with me. I ached. I felt so alone, so abandoned by everything I had held dear. But here were two women who I’d never met, loving me, and weeping with me. Never had I had an experience where someone was sent to me at the right time and the right place. To this day I don’t know these women’s names. But that day, God sent me angels and in his own way, wrapped his arms around me.

Another Random Collage: Double Standards and a New Therapist

Today's post is probably going to be just as disjointed as all the others I've written lately, but oh, well. It's my blog, and I can do what I want. :)

In Gender class today we finally touched the sensitive issues, and my, people had a lot to say. We discussed hermaphrodites, transsexuals transvestites, and homosexuals. It seemed somewhat ironic to me that the students were more accepting of hermaphrodites and even transsexuals than they were of homosexuals. The only thing that makes sense to me is that because of all the press in the last few years being gay is the absolute evil.

But my professor asked, "If your son or daughter came and told you they were gay, would you throw them out of the house, use 'tough love' on them?" Everyone said they wouldn't. One comment was made about the difference between the attraction and the behavior. The pompous guy that said that made the point that if his son was acting on it, then he wouldn't allow the boy in his house. I officially knew that I needed to say something.

I raised my hand and made the point that first of all, this is a very personal issue, and not being accepting is the last thing people need. Also, they've struggled with these things for a long time, and they've already asked themselves all the questions, and they've already guilted themselves enough. Acceptance is the only way to respond.

I then made the point that it is a double standard to say you'd throw your son out if he acted on his attraction, because if your son had sex with a girl they'd never throw him out. But for some reason if he has sex with a boy, it's okay? It's very hypocritical.

My professor then took that and asked "Is it a sin to have an erotic thought about someone?" The class said yes. (I could comment on that position alone, but I won't do that here.) Then she asked "So when you've been making out with someone you haven't had any erotic thoughts at all? How many of you have erotically made out?" We knew she had us there. She then pointed her finger at us and said "You're all sinners!" We had a good laugh at that. Of course it's not evil to have an erotic thought, especially while making out.

Then she brought in the big guns "Is it a sin for gays to kiss?" The class said yes, no question. "So it's not a sin for you to erotically make out, but just one kiss for gays is a sin?" They didn't say anything. "I want you to think about this for next time: Shouldn't the standards for gay people be the same as for straight people? I want you to be the 'devil's advocate' on this one. Think about it from the other side."

Next time will definitely be interesting.

But people just can't wrap their heads around this. My professor, who is from Japan, said she went back and homosexuality isn't an issue at all. A girl in the class who served a mission in South Korea said that people there asked her why America was so obsessed with homosexuality. It's not a big deal for them.

My professor made the point that the predominant religion over in the east is Buddhism, and that the Christian culture here really makes a difference. If only we could be as christian as the Buddhists.

Anyway, now that my rant on the ignorance of the culture here is over, I can move on to my next point of order. Due to financial issues I stopped seeing my old therapist and started going to a therapist on campus.

Yesterday was my first meeting, and I was a bit nervous about it. We sat down, and she asked me to just go over a few things that brought me in. She did a very good job on being kind and accepting, and I felt comfortable with her relatively quickly. I told her my story, and she was very sympathetic.

I got up to the present day, and she asked if I was dating anyone. I told her I had been in a relationship for over a year. I talked to her about what my relationship and my boyfriend have done for me, about how he saved me, and how he isn't just a pair of arms, but he's my best friend. He's my companion.

My therapist smiled and said that it warmed her heart that I could say that. She said "You have no idea how many people come through here, trying to figure out what to do about being gay, or if they even are gay, and they go out and they get lost in the mess of everything. For you to be able to say that he is your companion means so much."

I'll admit, I expected tolerance, but I didn't expect that. She basically told me she was glad I had my boyfriend. Cool. :)

We finished by talking about my views on religion, and the honor code. I talked about how the honor code expects everyone to be perfect right now, rather than allowing them to be in the process of becoming a better person. I believe that there are so many people here that need help, but they don't seek it, because the honor code has no tolerance.

An interesting note: actually, it turns out that as of this year, BYU has removed the term "advocacy" from its homosexuality section of the honor code. Advocacy is now no longer grounds for being kicked out of BYU. That's pretty big. Now, you have to be gay and kiss a boy, and then you're out. But at least you can say that you want to kiss a boy! Hahaha!

So the therapy was very good, and it was definitely needed. I can't wait until my next session. It's definitely been way too long!

Anyway, that's pretty much it for today. This post was more of a journal than an inspirational thought, but hey, that's why I started the thing to begin with!

Coming Out to a Japanese Psychologist

I'm smiling right now, because the title of this post makes it sound a lot kookier than it's really going to be. Of course, maybe my whole blog is crazy in a good way. I'm completely fine if that's the case.

Anyway, today was day two in Psychology of Gender. We talked a bit about gender stereotypes. My professor, a Japanese woman in her late thirties/early forties, brought up toys and kids. She asked the class if they would give their daughter a G.I. Joe if she asked for it. They said yes. Then she asked if they would give their son a barbie if he asked. It was obvious that there was no way they'd give the boy a barbie. I found it ironic that while the professor was trying to make a point about the irrelevance of stereotypes they were clinging to them ferociously.

Then she blew the lid off the whole issue (something I like about this lady). "What do you think? Is homosexuality caused by environment, by barbies? Or is it caused by biology?"

There were various answers. The closest to a liberal view was that biology predisposes us to certain tendencies, but environment does the rest. But most every person that commented referred to us as "those that chose this life." Ouch. Really?

I mean, come on! Why in the world would a devoted LDS boy choose to like men when all that would do is ostracize him from his church, his family, his society, his school, and his friends? Does that seem logical at all?

I wanted to say something so badly. My heart was beating so loud. And it doesn't help that I blush easily. Especially when I'm nervous, all the blood rushes to my face. But seeing as the professor had other topics to get to, I decided today was not the day to fight that battle.

I was still bothered by it, though. So I wrote my professor, the bold Japanese woman, about my thoughts. I wrote from an anonymous email address, just for security's sake. But I trust her, partially because of how easily she bursts open touchy issues, and partially because she is a registered therapist. So she'd be understanding.

I told her a bit about myself and my history, about my depression (still to come on the blog) and about coming to terms with everything. And I told her that I wanted to say something, but that I wasn't sure how best to do it. The last thing I need is for the whole class to treat me as an abomination and then turn me in to the honor code office. I knew that others had come out in this class, so I asked her thoughts. Here is her response (I love how her accent comes through!) :

Thank you so much for trusting me and talking about your journey.  I appreciate your email immensely. 

I did not stop the conversation because we are going to talk about it little more later, when we get to sexual orientation chapter.  I understand your frustration because I know that gay individuals do not choose their orientation.  How can anyone want to “choose” to be gay in such an anti-gay society.  I also know that God loves you no matter what. Whether you leave church or not, his love for you will not change at all.  It sounds like you already know that.  For that, I am grateful for your therapist helping you to realize.  I do not want you to reveal your personal experience in the classroom if you do not feel comfortable.  I understand that oppressed individuals tend not to have a voice.  But you can talk about your feeling as if your best friend is going through what you are going through when you really want to talk about it.  Or you are always welcome to visit me when you are frustrated. I would like my students of this class to be tolerant, loving, and respectful for others’ perspective.  We just started the journey.  I am praying so that I can achieve such goals.  

Again, thank you so much for your email.  I cannot give you a definitive solution.  However, what I can do is to do my best to teach students about love and respect.  As I said, this is the first week of the semester.  We will discuss more about it later.  Let me know what I can do for you.

After I wrote and thanked her, she sent a word of advice:

You must protect yourself though.  We have honor code office!! I will never say anything to anyone. I hope you will not disappointed with sticking to this class.  As I said, you are always welcome to visit me.

How amazing is that?! I felt a wave of relief flow over me as I read this email. Someone who gets it, who understands, and who wants others to understand as much as I do. It's nice to know that there is someone else in that classroom who will back me up if I need it.

I really do feel like I'll end up coming out in this class. Because I want to be able to say, "Hey! Look at me! Good Mormon boy, studying at BYU, and gay! I'm right here, I'm not wicked, and you have no clue what you're talking about!" 

I feel like as long as I don't mention dating at all, and I explain my experience rather than my plans for the future (a wonderful husband, I hope!), then the honor code office can't do anything to me, if they ever even got involved. 

But then, maybe I'm underestimating the potential of my peers here at the Y. Maybe, given the opportunity to talk to someone like me, they would see it as more of a learning experience, rather than an opportunity to shun and condemn.

This could also lead to my coming out in other ways. One of the guys who was in my district at the MTC is in that class. My coming out could spread to the other missionaries from my group, to the missionaries I served with in Europe, and even further. And I'm not sure how ready for that I am. Sure, fifty students I'm never going to see again. But my whole mission? That requires some thinking. 

Either way I feel like things are going to get better. I really want a chance to explain these things to my fellow students, and this may just be the tolerant forum I need. And considering the odds, I'm not the only one in there. (Actually, I'm pretty sure I picked him out in the first ten minutes of class. My gaydar has been going crazy lately!)

So, I'll definitely keep you posted on this class. Should be interesting. But the professor on my side is a good start!

Warning: If You are a BYU Student, You Might Get Offended

My first class of the new semester was "The Psychology of Gender." I knew going in that this was going to be a good class, but I'm not quite sure what to expect.

The class started out with our professor saying that this class is exactly what it advertises. We are going to talk about sex and gender. "And we are going to use the words that pertain to it. I won't use them today, but if you stay, I will be using them."

Wow. Really? We're twenty-something year old college students at a university that is expected to be more mature than the rest and we can't handle "penis" or "vagina"? But whatever.

Anyway, she continued on and talked about how sex is such an important issue to talk about, and that because we don't talk about it so much, we have a whole new breed of problems. Newlywed students have come to her as clients because the new wife has such a disposition against sex that she won't make love to her husband. (One more reason being gay trumps being straight. You both know where you stand on sex: yes).

And all in all, sex and gender are just such a huge part of our lives that we can't ignore them, as is the trend in the white-bread mormon world.

I'm sure it's going to be one hell of a class. We are going to spend several weeks discussing homosexuality in one way or another. We are even going to hear from a therapist from the counseling center and a director of Evergreen. (Not sure I'm going to agree with the Evergreen guy, but at least it's going to be talked about)

But I honestly wonder how long I'm going to be able to stay in the closet in this class. Finally there is a forum where these things can be discussed openly and honestly. And I know, I just know, some little mormon girl is going to make some ignorant comment, and it'll be the last straw. I just don't know how to toe the line between out of the closet and expel-able.

But these are things that need to be said, especially to the BYU community.

At the same time, I'm really looking forward to leaving this place. I'm tired of hiding.

Alone in a Sea of People

I've been reading a bit about the BYU honor code lately. I live in an apartment where the honor code is not regarded as the will of God descending directly from his lips, so it's been a nice oasis from the BYU social world, where the word is law, and no one questions it.

I realize that students signed an agreement about the honor code. And I realize that the school is trying to maintain a wholesome environment. But for people like me, who have spent their whole lives feeling different, and who have finally admitted to themselves that they are gay, and who have no idea what to do with it all, the answer isn't so easy. In the end, the BYU atmosphere creates a very lonely place to figure out what to do about being a gay mormon.

I'm not saying that the school should change its policies so that gay guys can sleep with whomever, whenever. I'm saying that the university needs to actually address the needs that these students have. We feel like we're suffocating sometimes. And the reason that many of the gay students resort to sex is because they see no where else to go. They can't hold hands or kiss. They aren't allowed to go on dates or have relationships. They can't discuss it with others, because while being openly gay isn't grounds for expulsion, they will then be watched 24 hours a day, with the honor code office just waiting for them to slip up. But sex is quick. It's hidden. And it releases some of the constant pull that they feel all the time. Perhaps, if BYU were to simply try to offer counseling programs specifically for people like this, in order to safely and privately address the needs of the students, they could minimize the extreme violations of the honor code, keep a number of gay students in the church in the long run, and actually help these people. Any student at this university is not there to harm it or attack it. And that fact alone places a burden on the university to be what they claim to be: "the Lord's university", and actually make the lives of these people better. It's an odd thing when the church is merciful and forgiving, but the school is the one making life and death sentences.

I've read as well that BYU discriminates against heterosexual violations of the honor code just as much. However, there was a football player who was suspended for a semester (along with his girlfriend) for what, we can only image. Rumor is that they're getting married. But not only were they given leeway (because they're straight? a football player?) but the Daily Universe, the school paper, reported his "time off" and then proceeded to mention all of his great sporting achievements. They celebrated him, while announcing his suspension, though they never called it that. With research, I think it is clear that the same mercy is not extended to gay musicians.

But the fact of the matter is that many of the gay students at BYU are there because they have faith. They have a testimony. And they want a better relationship with God. They have different problems than others, of course. They have different choices to make. But that does not make them less of a good person, or less qualified to attend this university. And the sooner the university can stop feeling so personally attacked by such occurrences, the sooner they can actually be mature adults and help those who suffer in such silence.

I love the goodness of the people of BYU. I just hope they would continue to extend it to me if they knew I was gay.