The One Who Holds, and the One Who is Held

The slump that began Sunday night got worse. Yesterday was a long and numbing day. I felt like I was being crushed, like the very air was pressing against my chest and against my soul. I found myself lying in bed and simply staring at the wall a couple of times. I felt awful, like my spirit was sick.

I went to the gym, but that didn't help. Later, my boyfriend asked what was up and I told him that I the past two days had been difficult. He was frustrated. He said it seemed like something always had to be wrong with me, and that he was frustrated that I still hadn't learned how to deal with such slumps. I told him it seemed that way to me as well, but it really was more like the same thing was still wrong. It just kept flaring up from time to time.

Later, he was at my place using my internet. I was lying on the bed, completely at a loss as to how to break free from the misery I felt. After a while my boyfriend got up, laid in bed next to me, and pulled me close to him. I have to say, he's getting pretty good. He knows that when I'm like that, what I need most is to be held.

I turned to look at him and said "Sometimes you need to remove the poison from the wound before you can stitch it up and start rehabilitating the leg."

He nodded, then said "But it seems more like you keep pouring more poison onto the wound."

"No," I said. "It's more like the poison keeps spreading, because it is never fully removed."

Then he understood. This problem with my parents has never been resolved, and because of that the pain and longing flares up from time to time. This was just a very extreme case.

But now that we were talking, I could get it out of my system. I talked about how lonely I felt, about how the walls I had put up to protect myself were now separating me from everyone else, and it was beginning to suffocate me. I told him how much I needed to feel part of a family again, how much I needed to be able to trust my family with my heart, but how difficult such a thing was.

I wept. Okay, more like I bawled. But the tears were cleansing tears. They were healing the hurt. He listened, and held me close. And when everything was finally done I could breathe again. I could feel again. I could smile again.

The experience reminded me of something my boyfriend and I talked about when we first started dating a year and a half ago. He was my first date with a guy, and my first boyfriend, and moving out into this world was very scary for me. Early on there was a night when it all was too much and I broke down. He put my head in his lap and stroked my hair, assuring me that it would all be alright. Then he said "See, this is the wonderful thing about our kind of relationship. Sometimes we can be the one who holds, and sometimes we can be the one who is held."

That has stuck with me ever since then. Now, perhaps I just don't understand the way straight relationships work, but it seems to me that there is a cultural expectation that men cannot be the one who is held. They have to be strong, and always be the protector. But with a relationship like mine, I can be the protector, but I can also be the protected. And there are few things a comforting as the strong and loving arms of my boyfriend when I'm feeling weak.

It is a beautiful thing. And it's in moments like last night that I know that what I feel for him is not evil. It reminds me of a beautiful verse, with which I'd like to end.

Love is patient and kind, it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited, it is never rude or selfish, it does not take offence, nor is it resentful. Love takes no pleasure in others’ sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes.

Connection and the Kardashians

I'm tired today, but I need to write. It's been a long day, so the blog is going to be my therapy today.

This past week I was introduced to the TV show "Keeping Up with the Kardashians." To be quite honest, I am not a huge fan of reality TV, especially when it's a bunch of immature girls screaming and pulling hair for half an hour. So I wasn't expecting much from this, especially since as far as I knew, Kim Kardashian was just a brunette Paris Hilton. I was very wrong.

Yes, there is still some fighting. It's a family of five girls, it's bound to happen. But I found a depth there that I didn't expect. I realized that these girls weren't just nasty skanks. They had soft candy centers as well.

In the last episode I watched last night the mother, Kris Kardashian, is trying to come to terms with the death of her first husband five years previously. She had left him over ten years before he died, but she never stopped caring about him. Five years after he passed, she still bore the guilt of not being there for him when he got sick.

Her whole family still struggles with unresolved grief. And when Kris said she wanted to visit her first husband's grave, some of the daughters were supportive, and some were especially antagonistic. They had an argument, and Kris left. She visited the grave and had a very emotional moment there. But when she got back home the girls that had been harsh to her had a bouquet of flowers for her, telling her they were sorry. They embraced, and it was all very sweet.

This episode struck me, down in my soft candy center. As superficial as they sometimes were, these people still were very real. They hurt. They cried. They had fears and worries and doubts. But they also had love. And they were there for each other.

As the night ended last night I felt very alone. Since I began to deal with my sexuality ,and especially since my parents forced me out of the closet (something I still haven't blogged about. Sorry!), I have felt very shut off from the world. Being around my family, immediate or extended, I automatically put up walls to protect myself from rejection. At school I constantly put forward an image to hide the deeper parts of myself. And it's gotten to the point where I avoid being with people, just because I can't take the vulnerability.

The isolation is a defense mechanism, an attempt to hide from the pain. But it also causes pain. It locks me away, and keeps me from connecting with anyone else. And last night, it stung.

I tried to go to bed, but I couldn't sleep. I felt hurt and anger, especially toward my parents. I wanted to scream at them. I felt the urge to hurt them, as much as I feel hurt. But I know what that wound really needs is reconciliation. It needs the salve of love and healing.

But that in and of itself requires vulnerability. It requires risk. And that risk terrifies me. How can I trust these people with my innermost soul, when they've treated me like they have? I'm not ready, to be frank.

The intense longing I felt while watching the Kardashians makes it quite clear that I long for connection. I need to feel my heart touch another human being's. I need to love, and be loved unconditionally in return.

As inconclusive as it is, I don't have an answer yet. And as simple as it will likely end up being, I need to reach it on my own, in my own time.

I'm going to my parents' place this weekend. It's father's day. And maybe if I'm not ready to reconnect with my parents, it will be nice to be with my siblings. I have a feeling that they would be more universally loving if they knew everything. So I'll cling to their love for a bit, and see where that takes me.

It may be cheesy, but the old song is right: "All you need is love." But love is a risk that requires a leap of faith.

Wonderings

I have so much to get done today, but I need to take a moment and get my thoughts down before they're gone.

Yesterday I received "Goodbye, I Love You" by Carol Lynn Pearson in the mail. I love everything she puts her pen to. I read with hunger through to book until I finished about an hour ago. With everything I read I come to love this woman more. Carol Lynn has such a beautiful way of touching the human soul. Her words make me weep.

I found so much that was so familiar in the story of Carol Lynn and Gerald. Their courtship and the dynamics between them was so similar to what I have experienced in my close friendships and relationships with girls. I feel that I have had some of the questions answered by reading their story. For some time I have wondered, what would have happened if I had just found a girl and gotten married? What if I had married the girl I once dated, never touching the world of gay dating? I know now that it would not have gone away. Hearts would have been broken. And that's just something I cannot do.

The beautiful spirituality of the book is not classic Mormonism. And I liked that. She spoke of femininity, of God and Goddess, of meditation and communion with Deity. It refreshed my soul to hear and read and feel the things she wrote.

But I found that while it is a first hand account, there was no declaration of what is, what should be, and how to act. There is no stance on the issue, no prescribed course of action for the church or the nation. There's only Carol Lynn and Gerald, revealed for all to see the deepest parts of their hearts. I think every one who knows this issue firsthand can see themselves there, watching them play out the very things we've felt ourselves.

There are so many things unanswered. It leads one to lift his eyes to the starry night and wonder. It seems that the knowledge God has given us is as each one of those pinpricks in the sky--bright, beautiful, and poignant. But such inky mystery separates them. What does all this mean? How does it all connect? And who am I, who so defies our understanding of the world here and beyond?

We truly are pioneers, as cheesy as the comparison seems. Though unlike the pioneers, I'm not sure what the destination is. In the barren wilderness I forge I can only raise my single voice and ask Him to show the way. He doesn't tell me the destination. He just tells me the next step. And when he doesn't even tell me the next step and the night gets ever darker, he gives me a hand to hold on to, and a shoulder to weep on.

I do not understand. I cannot even explain my own existence. But I know that I need God. As much as I need air to breathe and water to drink, I need him. I need to be engulfed in his spirit and his love.

"I know only as much of God and the world
As a creature with two eyes must;
But what I do understand I love,
And what I don't understand, I trust."

 - Carol Lynn Pearson

As I read this book, a 25 year old first edition copy, I marveled at how dramatically Carol Lynn's life changed. It was fascinating to read of her as a young woman, fresh in love, and to watch the way her world changed, and then to think of how her world has continued to change in one massive metamorphosis driven by divine design. It baffles me, to think of how my life will similarly change. It will morph and become something I cannot even now fathom. What will it be? What will I be? What will I know, and think, and love? The possibility that I contain, as a simple human being, amazes me.

"Today
You came running
With a small specked egg
Warm in your hand.
You could barely understand,
I know,
As I told you
Of Beginnings--
Of egg and bird
Told, too,
That years ago
You began,
Smaller than sight.
And then,
As egg yearns for sky
And seed
Stretches to tree,
You became--
Like me.

Oh,
But there's
So much more.
You and I,
Child,
Have just begun.

Think:
Worlds from now
What might we be? --
We,
Who are seed
Of Deity."

 - CLP

Aaaaand We're Back!

It is absolutely atrocious how long it has been since I wrote here. Probably more than a month. It's been a rocky few weeks, and even though there were times I thought about writing, I felt so emotionally drained that I couldn't muster the energy.

But I'm back! The problems aren't all gone, but do problems ever really go away? I think perhaps there are simply times when we handle them better than others.

So, one really good thing that I got from the last few weeks of wandering is the chance to read Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection. I referenced Brene earlier when I wrote about her vulnerability speech. But this is basically her guidebook on how to live wholeheartedly. It's an incredible read. Unlike other "self-help" books, she hits right to the center of the things that are causing many of us conflict and tension in our lives. I would highly, highly recommend it. In fact, I'll link you to amazon right now.

This last week has been rather nice. My boyfriend's mother came into town, and from last Wednesday to today we've spent every evening at his sister's house so that he could be with his mom. He is such a momma's boy, and he knows it. I loved seeing the excitement in his eye when he was with her. They don't get to see one another nearly often enough, but this week was nice for them.

But the time I spent with them was different for me as well. Now, I've been at his sister's house plenty of times, and I had gotten to know her husband and daughter. But this week with all of us together it felt like I became much more a part of the family than before. I got closer to both my bf's sister and her husband, and I think the husband would be okay with getting me as a brother-in-law. Finally someone in the family to play Call of Duty with him. ;)

Tonight, as we had our last dinner with his mom, they began talking about my boyfriend getting a car this summer (I've been a happy chauffeur for a year now). "I could come and see you guys much more often," he said to his sister. She then looked at me and said "But you still have to bring Ty. Just because he doesn't have to drive you doesn't mean he doesn't get to come." That made me feel really good.

We've never talked to them about it, but we're pretty darn sure they know about us dating. Otherwise it would be really odd for them to invite me to dinner for the past five nights. I'm not sure how they feel about it all. But I think they see that we are happy with each other. They see the fruits of our relationship in other aspects of our lives. And even though they might not understand it, and they might not agree with it, they love us all the same. And that makes me feel good.

Since we're talking about families, I'll segue into a bit about my own. I went home this weekend (two and a half hour drive!). I stopped on the way to visit my grandmother, who has taken quite a beating health-wise in the last couple years. She was thrilled to see me, and I was just as happy to see her. I've always felt a connection to this grandmother, and if I were to come out to someone in my extended family, it would probably be her. She has such an unconditional love, and she is able to get rid of prejudice when it interferes with her family. What an angel she is. I think I'll make a habit of visiting every time I go home.

My immediate family was doing well. They moved into a new house a month ago, and they're finally getting settled. It was really good to see them. My mom has definitely softened up. I sent her a copy of Carol Lynn Pearson's No More Goodbyes, and although she's never mentioned it since, it seems like she may have read it. The weekend was nice, simply because I got to sit around and be a part of a family. Nothing too eventful. Just a nice weekend.

Although, when we got to sacrament meeting yesterday, the first speaker stands up and announces that she's been assigned President Packer's talk as her subject. My heart dropped and I prepared for the worst. Thankfully, she was very judicial and stuck to the material, using scripture simply to reiterate what President Packer said. All the same, it was still hard to sit through. I am grateful, however, that she wasn't offensive about it.

When the time finally came to split up for priesthood and relief society, I left and retrieved my own copy of No More Goodbyes that I wisely stowed for the trip. I spent the time sitting in my car, reading, and weeping a bit, squeezing all the love and acceptance I could from Sister Pearson's beautiful words. That book has been a lifeline for me in the last few weeks, and I am so grateful for it.

This leads me to my last topic for the night. Last week I read that Carol Lynn Pearson's play "Facing East" is going to be made into a movie. I am thrilled about this, simply because I can't find it being put on anywhere nearby, and I really want to see it. But being the resourceful person I am, I found a place that offered her play for a very reasonable price, and immediately bought it.

I arrived today, with a handwritten note on the first page saying "Love from Carol Lynn Pearson."

I don't know what it is about seeing someone else's writing, especially when it expresses such sweet and sincere messages such as that. But there is a life in the words others write, especially when written by their own hand. And that short message meant the world to me today.

I read the play immediately. I love it. It is so beautiful and so touching. And I could feel a bit of myself in every one of the characters. I especially loved Marcus, the boyfriend of Andrew. Andrew's suicide and the effect on others is the premise of the play. It is so clear in the way Marcus speaks, and the way that Andrew speaks about him, that their love is real. And perhaps I love it even more because I can feel the same thing I feel when I am wrapped up with my own boyfriend. Love is an absolutely precious and priceless object. You cannot fully comprehend it unless you feel it. And the wonderful thing is, it is continually changing and growing, giving you the chance to discover it anew over and over again.

Just one last note, and I'll end for tonight. Now, I know what temptation feels like. I understand the almost physical pressure, blurring of the senses, and feeling of numbing darkness that accompanies it in one form or another. But that is not what I feel when I am with my boyfriend. I feel peace. Absolute tranquility. True union with someone who has become an extension of myself. I feel love.

Perhaps Andrew from "Facing East" said it best when he said "It doesn't feel like darkness."

A Glance

Do you ever just look in the mirror, and truly look at yourself? Look into your own eyes, trying to pierce through and see the soul that lies within? It surprises me sometimes, to see the life behind those eyes, and know that it's mine. We spend so much time looking through the window of our bodies that to stop and see the being that we are can be almost a revelation.

I wonder, as I look into those blue eyes, what secrets lie beneath. What deep potential lies dormant there, waiting just beneath my fingertips? What eternities of wisdom are held within that hidden soul? What love rests deep within, for beings I do not know?

I think we are too often in the habit of degrading ourselves, of making ourselves into fallen and broken people. In an effort to bring attention to what maintenance we need, we end up declaring the whole thing a mess. What's worse, we begin to believe it.

But just a few moments before a mirror, peering into the eyes we look out of so much, and we feel the inklings of the reality of who we are. We find there a being of grace and light. A spirit of passion and goodness. Something within the eye shimmers, hinting at the fullness of glory clothed by our flesh.

I believe in the reality of the spirit. One half of the whole we claim as "I". I believe that it has existed for ages, and that this short existence is but a continuation. What things have these eyes seen? What hearts has it loved? How many long and wondering conversations have I had with people I counted close to me? To think of such things expands the limits of my own abilities to think, to learn, to teach, and to love.

As I look into those eyes, I can see the other direction as well. I wonder what these eyes will hold in five, ten, or fifty years. What things will they have seen? What tears of joy and sorrow will have fallen from them? What will I know then that I don't know now? What will I be?

In the short couple of decades that I've been here it has become evident that the circumstance that constitutes "my world" is not a permanent one. My world right now is college, my boyfriend, dealing with coming out, and working to maintain my relationship with my faith and my family. But it is a temporary world. As are they all.

So what will tomorrow's be?

I know that one day this will all be a long distant dream. Faces and names will fade with time. Passions will cool, while others are ignited. Desires come and go. And work and success mold the future with each passing day. Time is an ever changing mistress. You cannot tame her. You are at her mercy, and can only work out the details.

Such trains of thought bring new understanding of the value of a life. Eternity is held within the eyes of every person. And if you look closely, you can find God in every face. Each day more stories are lived than could ever be written. And each story interweaves with the next. We are connected inseparably to the future and the past. Our life is but a small thread in the master tapestry. Just a blink. A glance. But every glance holds another infinity.

We Are All Connected

I'd like to start this post with a couple announcements.

First, Lady Gaga's single will be released at 7:00 am on Friday, February 11th. Be there.

Next, the announcement was made in my Gender class that David Pruden, the director of Evergreen, will be speaking in my class of 60 people on Thursday. I'm not exactly thrilled about this, but it should still be enlightening. But there will likely be a question and answer period. So, if you have any possible questions to ask him, leave them in a comment and we'll see what happens.

Alright. So today was Gender class. Now that we're getting into the juicy stuff I'll try to post regularly about the goings on in that class.

Today started with the charge that our professor left us with last week. Namely, based on the reality of attraction, shouldn't the standards for gay and straight people be the same. She didn't open it up for discussion, but rather tried to help the class see from a more sympathetic point of view.

"These people don't know why they're born this way," she said. A very strong point made by a BYU professor, but one that I'm sure we'd all agree with. She then asked that the class have more empathy for those of us who are attracted to our own gender. She said that growing up gay in the church is very lonely, and that to live the gospel means facing a life of loneliness, along with denying ourselves love, marriage, kissing, and dating, things they didn't even think twice about.

She concluded by speaking to the class from a psychological point of view. "Empathy is the best predictor of a good outcome in a therapist/patient relationship. You can say that it's wrong as a lay person, but as a clinician, you have to be empathetic. A clinician's purpose is not to criticize. It is to help the patient heal."

I am continually impressed by this professor. She has compassion that is rarely seen on campus. Of any class to be discussing these issues, and to potentially be taking an active role in, I am glad that I am in her class.


It's not where I intended to go with this, but I want to end talking a bit about love. I don't mean in the romantic sense, at least not tonight. But rather, in the sense that we are all members of the human family.

I love the movie "Lady in the Water." I know it received a lot of criticism, and that many people didn't like it. But I loved it. It is one of my absolute favorites. I can't watch it without tearing up. I highly recommend it.

To truly appreciate it you need to look beyond the story itself. It's not about a nymph or a hotel repair man. It's so much deeper. It's about you and me, and the purpose each of us has in coming to earth. Each of us is here to touch someone else, to change someone.

The story is about a water nymph named Story, who has come to our realm to find a certain person, and to be seen by him. All he needs to do is see her, and something in him will change, and he will write a book that will change the future. This man sees her, and is deeply struck. Later, he comes to her and says, "I don't know who you are, but you did something to me. My thoughts... everything became clearer. The fears that were muddling my thoughts just went away. I can hear myself."

She looks him in the eyes and asks, "Do you wish to know your future?" He nods.

"A boy in the midwest of this land will grow up in a home where your book will be on the shelf and spoken of often. He will grow up with these ideas in his head. He will grow into a great orator. He will speak, and his words will be heard throughout this land and throughout the world. This boy will become leader of this country, and begin a movement of great change. He will speak of you, and your words. Your book will be the seeds of many of his great thoughts. They will be the seeds of change."

It is a beautiful scene, full of power and hope.

Later, the man is talking with the nymph again. His book is done.
"You can see things in the future," he says.
"Some things," she replies.
"I have a question to ask you."
"I will do my best to answer it."
"You'll tell me the truth, right?"
"Yes."
And so he begins. "Change doesn't happen, the way you say it's going to happen, without dramatic events that accelerate thinking. I wrote this thing. It might take decades or longer to create a reaction, before it anchors in the consciousness. That's not the type of change you're telling me is going to happen, right?"

She doesn't answer, and he continues.
"I was wondering why he didn't meet me, this leader who's just a boy. If he was so inspired by my words, why didn't he try to meet me."
The camera pans around the corner to her face, full of knowing, and sorrow.
"There's a lot of things in this book people won't like to hear. I'm not anything, you know. I don't think I'm anything special. So I started thinking, 'how's this going to happen? Why are people suddenly going to take me seriously? And why didn't he meet me?' And I thought of how it could happen... Story, I wanted to ask you, is something going to happen to me? Is someone going to kill me because I write this?"

"Yes."

And then her powerful words:

"Man thinks they are each alone in this world. It is not true. You are all connected. One act can one day affect all."

I cannot do this justice in this post. Please, rent this and watch it. Or if you don't want to rent it, we'll have a movie night and watch it. It is such an absolutely beautiful film.

From the first time I saw this, I was struck by that phrase. "Man thinks they are each alone in this world. It is not true. You are all connected."

How often do we go through this life, bearing the burdens of a lonely soul? How often do we weep where no one can see? How many nights do we plead for a brighter day? We walk through crowds of people on the street, on the subway, on campus, everywhere we go. We pass them each, feeling worlds apart from them. Feeling isolated from them. Feeling alone.

But we are not alone.

We need one another. We need to support one another. To strengthen one another, rather than break down or demean. Each of us is a divine creation. We have been granted gifts and talents that make us priceless, of infinite worth. And we were sent to a world surrounded by one another in order to bless and strengthen one another. To work together, to laugh together, to cry together, and to wipe away one another's tears.

We are here to touch one another, to change the world, one heart at a time. To comfort those who are lonely, and to lift those who are in despair.

For we are all connected.

Searching for Certainty

My boyfriend and I had an interesting conversation today. We talked a bit about our relationship, and we both agree that this phase of our relationship is nearing an end. We discussed things like moving in together, and even marriage. It made me smile to see the subtle excitement in his eyes as we talked about some of that. But I could also see some of the nervous apprehension that I knew was in my own eyes.

There are some big steps coming up, and these type of steps require certainty. I have always been the type that hates risks. I want to know the result before I make the decision. I don't want to risk anything. And it's the same way with this. I want to know for certain that this is the guy. I don't want any doubt. But it's difficult to have that certainty when I've never dated anyone else. Heck, I've barely even had conversations with other gay guys. I know that I love him, but I want to know for certain that I want him above anyone else. But where does such certainty come from?

I know that relationships are things of risk and trust by their very nature. It doesn't matter if you're gay or straight, we all experience these things. So where does the certainty come from that motivates people to pledge their love to each other and build a life together, despite the hardships? Perhaps the certainty is already here, and the doubt I'm experiencing is simply there for its own sake. I don't know.

Our conversation shifted from there to more religious topics. We don't often talk about being gay in a religious context, so tonight was interesting. My boyfriend mentioned the fact that I had dated a girl before, and that I had experienced attraction to some small degree. He said that if we did end up together, he didn't want me to be living a lie, or deceiving myself. But that's how I felt before. And that's what I feel like when I think of having a straight relationship and living the traditional life. Like it would be trying to fit myself to others' expectations, having to stifle the parts of me that the world didn't want.

And then, once again, we come to doubt. My boyfriend and I talked about our whole situation from a religious standpoint, wondering aloud what the real solution was. Where do we fit in the grand scheme of things? What role do we play in God's plans for everything?

The more we talked the more I felt the need for revelation reaffirmed. We need answers, and only divine ones will suffice. I've heard convincing cases for and against homosexuality using the scriptures, and so it's clear that our definitive answer isn't there. And the solutions that the church offers seem to rob our lives of all purpose and joy. Yet the plan the world sets before me destroys all certainty from a religious standpoint. So what's the answer? I feel like the only thing that will suffice is the word of God directly from his lips. We need answers, and we need the ordained prophet of God to receive them. So I hope he's asking.

But we're taught that God gave us two lines to heaven. The prophet is one. And the other is the one we claim directly. One that I have neglected to use for some time. And when it comes to this issue, I seem to have always avoided the subject. I don't know that I've ever actually prayed and asked right out what he would have me do, or what his viewpoint was. And I think I'm scared to. I don't want to go back to the dark place I was before, feeling conflicted and tormented by two seemingly-incongruent parts of myself. There was no peace nor happiness there.

I know what I'd like to hear. I want to be told that there is a purpose in all this, that my attraction is part of a grand design, and that I can find happiness through a family of my own. I have heard from others who felt that God was leading them that way, but is that where he wants me?

I think what I want most is to have my own conviction reaffirmed, regardless of what that is. But the thing is, I never felt divine confirmation that my guilt-inducing, self-hating philosophy was right.

So maybe it's time I start turning my attention heavenward. Perhaps with time and effort I will be able to finally ask God what he thinks about all this. But I need to be free from any other influence, personal, cultural, emotional, etc. I need to be able to know that what I receive is from him. And to do that I need to be free from all bias, ready to receive any answer. Come to think of it, that's exactly what the church needs as well. We need to be ready to accept the answer, whatever it may be.

I take great comfort in the fact that my God looks upon my heart, and that throughout the tumultuous events of the last year he has been judging me based on my sincere desires. I am grateful for a God of mercy, who never condemns nor abandons. And I take strength in my God of change, who takes the rough man that I am and works to mold me into someone more compassionate, more forgiving, more willing to serve and to love. And when it comes down to it, I think those changes are more important to my God than my orientation.

In this situation it sometimes feels like we are alone, and that no one is willing to understand. But I know that God is. Perhaps my view of God strays from the "traditional" understanding of who he is. But I'll take my ever-present God of compassion over a fearsome God of anger any day.

On that note, I love this scripture. It has come to represent all that God has done for me. And that impact has been made simply by being there.

"...I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."

Reunion

Today I finally got to make the trip to the airport.

It's been over two weeks, and lots has happened since I dropped my boyfriend off at the airport. I have found new expression on this blog. I have met a group of people that I felt comfortable with and who helped me to expressed long repressed emotions. And I am beginning to feel the solidity of my self-confidence and security.

I spoke with my therapist for just a moment today, and I told her everything that had happened over the last couple weeks. And I told her how I have been feeling personally. Words fail to describe how I was feeling, first after having such a big week personally, and then after just having reunited with my boyfriend. The only thing I can think of is that I felt complete. Whole. And truly happy.

I spent the day with my boyfriend. This afternoon we took a nap together. I haven't slept so well in the past two weeks. There's just something about feeling the one you love close by that enables you to fully relax. It's as if I was finally able to sleep after a long bout of insomnia.

I also love the small things that happen almost without notice while you sleep. I still smile when I think of the day we woke up from a nap, laying side by side, hands clasped between us. He nuzzled his nose into my neck and said "This is so nice. Why haven't we done this before?" I smiled. "We have sweetie. We do it a lot in the middle of the night."

This afternoon I woke up just a bit, just barely enough to gain consciousness. I felt him close, turned and kissed his cheek. And then I got a sleep kiss from him.

And then I got to wake up to those eyes. :)

Anyway, I'll stop carrying on. Although this blog is for me, I realize that I should keep it from getting too cheesey, for others' sake.

As a last note, we went to see Black Swan tonight. It was beautiful, but dark. And I feel there's more than meets the eye. So I'll ponder it over the next day, and write a bit about it later.

An Anniversary

I realize that I haven't been on here for a while. I'm planning to redo the whole look and purpose behind this thing and make it something that I'll add to more actively. I also realize that I haven't put much down in terms of my personal story, which was a major point in creating this blog. But that will come. I want to write tonight, because it's a special night, and I want to remember it.

Despite daily living below the radar, just over a year ago I was talking online with people like me. I was suffocating, trying to bury or fix this part of myself, and I needed to talk to someone. And I found people. All kinds of people. And it helped. But there was one boy in particular that I really connected with. Talking with him felt almost familiar. And it was a year ago tonight that I met him in person for the first time.

A year has passed, and hardly a day has gone by that I haven't spent part of it with him. I look back and I can see how much I've changed, how much happier I am, how much stronger I am. And I owe it to him. When we first met, I was naive and insecure. And now I can look in the mirror and like the person I see, for all his good qualities and gifts. I've learned to love myself, and in the process, come to love that boy.

Tonight, my boyfriend and I celebrate a year together. We didn't do anything special. In fact, most of the evening we just laid together, our arms wrapped around one another. But as I looked into those eyes that I have looked into for a year now, I felt a connection unlike what I've felt before. Maybe it's been there for a while, and I just haven't seen it. But tonight I saw it. Tonight, with him, I felt home. I felt family. And maybe the world isn't quite the way I'd like it to be, and maybe it's not going to change anytime soon. But that's okay. Because I have somewhere to go. I have someone to run to. And I have a future. Something I couldn't see a year and a day ago.

And so, tonight, I'm grateful. For the wonderful man that was brought into my life, and who has made all the difference.