Sunday Night/Monday Morning Wandrings

It's really late. I should be sleeping. But there's a lot on my mind, and the music of the russian singer that I just downloaded is making me really nostalgic. Maybe that's the wrong word. But regardless, I want to write. But unfortunately for those who have read past posts that have started out this way and actually become something, I really don't think this one is going to materialize much. Haha! I guess we'll see.

We interrupt this regularly scheduled blog to bring you a glimpse into next week's ground-breaking release of Lady Gaga's Born This Way. Listen to this and tell me you aren't excited. But be warned, it may cause squeals of unrestrained glee.

Anyway, where was I? Yes. Ramblings. Aaaaaand we're off!

Today has been long. Life tends to be that way. It doesn't help that I did almost nothing today. And stagnation will make one miserable faster than anything else.

I am really tired of the fight. Mainly, the fight that I'm trying to resolve within myself, that almost gets completed, and then someone or something has to step back in and remind me that I'm an abomination and that God and all Mormons hate me. They'll claim that they don't until they're blue in the face, but the fact remains that until they're ready to listen to me, setting aside all thoughts and suggestions of what I'm "supposed" to do, then they don't love me.

And until someone can suggest a complete and relevant suggestion for me, something that I can actually build a happy life on, then I will discuss nothing about the moral relevance of my orientation with them. We get it. You don't like that we're gay. We understand, you have a problem with it. It makes you uncomfortable. We get it! So stop trying to tell us, and actually offer a solution! If you don't have one, then mind your own business!

I obviously need to talk some of this crap out, because there is some defensiveness and anger here. I don't get to see my new therapist this week, so I may have to set up an appointment with my Facebook therapist. You know who you are. ;)

Anyway, on a lighter note, my boyfriend and I had lunch yesterday with a married couple in Salt Lake, and it was such a great day. Lunch was amazing, the company was fantastic, and to be able to actually be a couple around other people felt incredible. We spent several hours just talking. It was great, and I am already itching to go back. Provo just gets smaller and smaller every day. And when there are such great people up north, it's hard not to want to be with them.

Wow. I cannot stop playing that blip of Gaga's new song! I can't wait!!!!

As I wrote the last line my boyfriend sent me a text that said "check your email." When I did, I found an autotuned recording of him singing "I love you, Goodnight!" How cute is that? What a sweet boy I found. :) I think I'll keep him.

Anyway, I'd better get to bed. May the new week dawn brightly for us all, and may the wait to Gaga's new release be swift and painless! ;)

Another Random Collage: Double Standards and a New Therapist

Today's post is probably going to be just as disjointed as all the others I've written lately, but oh, well. It's my blog, and I can do what I want. :)

In Gender class today we finally touched the sensitive issues, and my, people had a lot to say. We discussed hermaphrodites, transsexuals transvestites, and homosexuals. It seemed somewhat ironic to me that the students were more accepting of hermaphrodites and even transsexuals than they were of homosexuals. The only thing that makes sense to me is that because of all the press in the last few years being gay is the absolute evil.

But my professor asked, "If your son or daughter came and told you they were gay, would you throw them out of the house, use 'tough love' on them?" Everyone said they wouldn't. One comment was made about the difference between the attraction and the behavior. The pompous guy that said that made the point that if his son was acting on it, then he wouldn't allow the boy in his house. I officially knew that I needed to say something.

I raised my hand and made the point that first of all, this is a very personal issue, and not being accepting is the last thing people need. Also, they've struggled with these things for a long time, and they've already asked themselves all the questions, and they've already guilted themselves enough. Acceptance is the only way to respond.

I then made the point that it is a double standard to say you'd throw your son out if he acted on his attraction, because if your son had sex with a girl they'd never throw him out. But for some reason if he has sex with a boy, it's okay? It's very hypocritical.

My professor then took that and asked "Is it a sin to have an erotic thought about someone?" The class said yes. (I could comment on that position alone, but I won't do that here.) Then she asked "So when you've been making out with someone you haven't had any erotic thoughts at all? How many of you have erotically made out?" We knew she had us there. She then pointed her finger at us and said "You're all sinners!" We had a good laugh at that. Of course it's not evil to have an erotic thought, especially while making out.

Then she brought in the big guns "Is it a sin for gays to kiss?" The class said yes, no question. "So it's not a sin for you to erotically make out, but just one kiss for gays is a sin?" They didn't say anything. "I want you to think about this for next time: Shouldn't the standards for gay people be the same as for straight people? I want you to be the 'devil's advocate' on this one. Think about it from the other side."

Next time will definitely be interesting.

But people just can't wrap their heads around this. My professor, who is from Japan, said she went back and homosexuality isn't an issue at all. A girl in the class who served a mission in South Korea said that people there asked her why America was so obsessed with homosexuality. It's not a big deal for them.

My professor made the point that the predominant religion over in the east is Buddhism, and that the Christian culture here really makes a difference. If only we could be as christian as the Buddhists.

Anyway, now that my rant on the ignorance of the culture here is over, I can move on to my next point of order. Due to financial issues I stopped seeing my old therapist and started going to a therapist on campus.

Yesterday was my first meeting, and I was a bit nervous about it. We sat down, and she asked me to just go over a few things that brought me in. She did a very good job on being kind and accepting, and I felt comfortable with her relatively quickly. I told her my story, and she was very sympathetic.

I got up to the present day, and she asked if I was dating anyone. I told her I had been in a relationship for over a year. I talked to her about what my relationship and my boyfriend have done for me, about how he saved me, and how he isn't just a pair of arms, but he's my best friend. He's my companion.

My therapist smiled and said that it warmed her heart that I could say that. She said "You have no idea how many people come through here, trying to figure out what to do about being gay, or if they even are gay, and they go out and they get lost in the mess of everything. For you to be able to say that he is your companion means so much."

I'll admit, I expected tolerance, but I didn't expect that. She basically told me she was glad I had my boyfriend. Cool. :)

We finished by talking about my views on religion, and the honor code. I talked about how the honor code expects everyone to be perfect right now, rather than allowing them to be in the process of becoming a better person. I believe that there are so many people here that need help, but they don't seek it, because the honor code has no tolerance.

An interesting note: actually, it turns out that as of this year, BYU has removed the term "advocacy" from its homosexuality section of the honor code. Advocacy is now no longer grounds for being kicked out of BYU. That's pretty big. Now, you have to be gay and kiss a boy, and then you're out. But at least you can say that you want to kiss a boy! Hahaha!

So the therapy was very good, and it was definitely needed. I can't wait until my next session. It's definitely been way too long!

Anyway, that's pretty much it for today. This post was more of a journal than an inspirational thought, but hey, that's why I started the thing to begin with!

Sick of the Ignorance

This morning I was at work in one of the many departments at BYU. As I was attempting to forge my way through the ever building list of tasks before me I overheard a conversation between two of the female faculty members. My ears pricked up a bit when I heard the phrase "that lifestyle," but seeing as it could relate to anything, I let it slide and continued on.

But by the time I heard "Prop 8" thrown into the conversation I knew what was going on.

"I really do believe it's a choice," I heard next. And of all people it was my favorite professor (the democrat who hates utah valley) that said it. The two then discussed the woman who had, apparently, come out to one of them. A story was then told of one woman who had remarked "I could have had anyone I wanted. I had lots of offers from women. But I chose to stay chaste." Something that later led to a heterosexual marriage much later in life.

But it was said in a way that was to suggest that anyone can get that, anyone can recover from the temporary illness of homosexuality, as long as they stay righteous enough, long enough.

My fellow coworker was also slightly disturbed by it. "That is such an awkward conversation," she said to me. At least someone has some decency here.

But the thing that frustrated me the most is that I couldn't say anything. I couldn't come back at all. I wanted so badly to walk up to them and ask "How many gay members have you talked to about their experience?" And when an extremely low number was said, I would respond "Well, here I am. What questions do you have?"

I want to tell them that regardless of what mormon gossip and fox news tell them, they have no idea what we go through. And their opinions, based solely on what they hear and see and do, have absolutely no basis on any real data or life experience. And so often any sincerity put forth by one of us is cast off as weakness or wickedness. We either couldn't be righteous enough long enough, or loved sin too much to try.

But really, how dare you? How dare you think that you are so omniscient that you know the reality of the lives of others! How dare you assume that just because it's not evident in your life, it isn't very much a part of someone else's! How dare you assume that just because someone isn't living as you see fit that they are sick, or weak, or an abomination!

I am not weak. I am not wicked. I am a magnificent creature with skills and abilities and marvelous experiences that others will never have. And you know what? I am grateful that I'm gay. I'm grateful that I have learned to be who and what I am, that I have the gifts and talents that so often accompany this orientation. And I am grateful to be counted among the company who have been sailing the seas of life with no compass, no map, and only the light of God shining from above to guide their way.

And when I can't be kicked out of school for it, I will say so!

My Problem With the Rest of Us Mormons

So, having read many a blog and article about being gay and mormon I have come to recognize a very distinct voice among those commenters who belong to the mainstream opinion of the church. I read it at the bottom of blog posts, underneath youtube videos, on facebook pages, I hear it in BYU classrooms and in sunday school lessons. And honestly, it is really just starting to irritate me.

Basically the comment goes something along the lines of briefly (and usually insincerely) acknowledging the difficult and conflicted position of those of us who fancy our own gender, but then laying down the law, declaring that gay relationships are against the laws of God, they should not be tolerated, and further normalcy should never be given to gay relationships in society. And that's that.

But that's not that.
Not for me.
And not for millions like me.
Because when it comes right down to it, the members of the church who are so willing to become a martyr for this issue have no idea what they're talking about. They have never experienced these things. Most have never even spoken to a gay person about what it's like to be gay. Their only exposure to anything gay is what they see on television and what they hear in church meetings. And somehow they're suddenly experts on the subject?

The psychologist in me looks at the situation, especially at how firmly they deny anything other than the cut and dry, black and white positions handed to them from church pulpits and how quick they want to end the conversation, and says that really, the whole issue scares the hell out of them. They quote a scripture or an apostle then change the subject. They don't want to hear about my experiences, or the experiences of everyone else who suffers in silence. They are terrified of facing something that might actually arouse sympathy within them. They realize how absolutely insignificant their understanding of the topic is and the unknown scares the pants off them. But fear was never a good way of judging other people.

The fact of the matter is this: I have experienced this. I have studied myself for over a decade. I have researched the topic in my free time for years. I have looked at both sides of the situation judiciously because frankly, I am on both sides. I'm the one with the proverbial split personality. But because I have a dual perspective on this I believe that I hold greater authority on the subject than brother so-and-so who speaks as a self-proclaimed expert.

And from my experience, both in the church and as a gay man, I can tell you that the world is not so black and white as we may like to paint it! I'm sorry, but there are gay people who no longer want anything to do with the church who are more loving and Christian than members who go to church every week. Being gay is not a universal stamp of wickedness! It simply isn't!

But what bothers me the most is that while countless members are willing to stand up and become a martyr for heterosexuality and traditional marriage, not one of them has ever offered a solution for people like me. NOT ONE! All they can say is that it's evil and we shouldn't act on our attraction. But while that may bring some sense of closure for them, that still leaves me and hundreds of thousands of other members of the church without much direction. So if you don't have a decent solution, keep your mouth shut!

They need to understand that all of us gay and lesbian members know what the church teaches. We know the doctrine. We can probably quote the general authorities on the issue better than you can. And we have had our own internal battles for years. Your spouting of hell-fire and damnation doesn't do any good. Because while we know the doctrine and we have had those inner battles, fighting to keep the standards of the church, there was still something missing in our lives. We were still unsatisfied. It gets pretty difficult to fight to live according to a church that doesn't really want you anyway. At least, not all of you.

It seems as if the general attitude of the members of the church is that they'd rather we disappeared again, so that they don't have to acknowledge that we and our contradictory personalities exist. They don't want us to exist. They'd rather live in ignorance, pretending like all is well in Zion, than realize that their brothers and sisters are living with a very difficult paradox of a life. And that, my friends, is pretty darn selfish, and completely un-Christlike.

To all the members of the church, I'm sorry, but this isn't going away. The church can no longer ignore this. Because we're everywhere, in every ward, in every stake of the church. And I'm sorry, but the way the church approaches this needs to change. Not that they have to change their position on it. They have the right to believe and preach what they will. But the way they are approaching this issue is not working. Because the fact still remains that the majority of same-sex attracted members of the church will leave the church by age 40. If that's not proof enough that the current system isn't working, I don't know what is.

I'm not asking members of the church to abandon their apostles or deny their doctrine or beliefs. I'm asking them to have a bit of Christlike charity and love me, and accept me, even if you can't accept my orientation or my actions. I'm asking you to listen to me, and to take a good look at how things are from my point of view. I'm asking you not to see me as some awful abomination just because I grew up liking guys. I am a very complex being with incredible gifts and infinite potential, as are all other gay and lesbian people. But if all you can see is the one little part of us that you disagree with, then you miss out on some pretty incredible people. And you lose people who would enrich and beautify your lives.