Into the West: A Response From a Baby Blogger

As of late there has been a substantial number of bloggers who have commented on the changing nature of the MoHo blog world. Such posts are BLB's here where he explains the evolution of bloggers over the last few years, Scott's here where he expresses his own growing divide from the situation of the newer bloggers, and David's here where he responds to Scott's post.

Seeing as I am a relatively new blogger in the MoHo world, I felt I would offer my own personal response to all these things.

Now, the psychologist in me looks at my initial reaction (yeah, I can analyze myself too) and realizes that I don't like to be thought of as young, inexperienced, or immature. But the fact is that in many ways I am. And I can accept that. But I also feel that I have my own unique viewpoint to offer the world. And the process of getting these things out has done wonderful things for me.

But I also cannot ignore the understanding that comes when I look from my "ancestral bloggers'" point of view. Many of them have already trodden the path I am now on. They have studied and researched and and soul-searched. They have fought their own battles, internally as well as in the world around them. And now they are finally at peace with everything. They have come to the conclusions they needed, conclusions that I, to some degree or another, am still working toward. And now, as veterans of their own personal wars, they want to hang up their battle armor and simply enjoy life. Looking at others' battles, or going back to continue fighting, just doesn't make as much sense. Not to mention it's exhausting.

That is one point on which I am beginning to be able to relate with my elder bloggers. I'm starting to get tired of the conflict, the anxiety, and the pressure. I look at people who are on the further end of this path, people like the wonderful married couple that I met at the MoHo party Friday night, and I envy them. They've reached a state of peace. Of joy. They've reached that place of contentment and satisfaction where they can enjoy the rewards of their efforts.

It reminds me of the song "Into the West" from the Lord of the Rings.




Of course there are more battles to fight. But those battles are not within themselves. And so the hardest part is done.

This need to move on is natural, and it is necessary for all of us at one point. And so to all of those who find themselves at this point, I find no criticism in your desires and choices.

And I want to extend a massive thank you to all of those people who have sent their stories into the cloud so that people like me could find them, and by reading the record of others, find our own way. Your blogs are vital to people like me and all the countless others who will find your long-ended blogs in the future.

I cannot help but feel a tinge of longing as I think of where they are. I have made incredible progress in the last year, and have finally reached the "acceptance" phase of my grieving period. But I still have much to do in terms of settling into this new stage, as well as creating the life that this new phase opens up to me. And that will take time and effort.

But there are battles to be fought. There are others out there, hidden and searching for answers. So as long as there is space in the cloud for my words, I will continue to write them.

But as I go on I look forward to that day when I can lay down my own blog, finally complete and at rest.

New Year and New Friends

I realize that it's incredibly late, and that this will make the fourth post in two days, but I really wanted to get my thoughts down before I went to bed.

Tonight I went to my first MoHo party. And I have to admit, as I drove there I was pretty anxious. I had never met anyone there in person. I had talked to a few through blogs, but that was it. But I had a good feeling that I could trust these people and I decided to give it a shot.

Right as I walked in I was welcomed and brought into a conversation. No one left me on the side to figure things out on my own. People smiled, introduced themselves, and asked questions about me, trying to get to know me better. (I'm still trying to figure out how Rob knew who I was, despite my alias!) While I walked in feeling nervous and reserved, in just a few minutes I felt completely comfortable. At one point I even had a small group listening to my own life story. It meant a lot to know that these people were interested in me and what I had to say, and it made me feel like part of the group that much faster. So to all of you, thanks. :)

Even though this is not the first occasion that I've spent time with other gay people, I found myself marveling at one point at how completely comfortable I was in that situation, and how topics that I'm normally accustomed to hiding from other people felt normal and acceptable. It was like taking a breath of fresh air after being underwater for a long time.

It also made me realize how much I can't wait to get out of Provo. Haha!

I loved the general goodness in everyone that was there. Everyone at the party was at a different point regarding their relationship with the church. But each of us is trying to be a good person, and to maintain a relationship with God. I was very touched when one man told me as he said goodbye "When it comes to the church, don't worry too much about it. What really matters is your relationship with the Savior." Amen.

Over all it was a wonderful night. I got to eat great food (whoever made the quiche is my idol!), discuss things that are important to me, and laugh with a great group of people.

Just as a last thought, it occurred to me as I drove home how absolutely refreshed I felt. How emotionally healthy I felt. I was able to be in a safe situation with people who accepted and liked me. It was so cleansing.

So to any of you who are struggling with your sexuality and don't know what to do about it, the first thing I would suggest is to find someone who accepts you completely, and talk about it. It will save your sanity. Tonight certainly helped mine!

Happy 2011 everyone!!!