Sunday Night/Monday Morning Wandrings

It's really late. I should be sleeping. But there's a lot on my mind, and the music of the russian singer that I just downloaded is making me really nostalgic. Maybe that's the wrong word. But regardless, I want to write. But unfortunately for those who have read past posts that have started out this way and actually become something, I really don't think this one is going to materialize much. Haha! I guess we'll see.

We interrupt this regularly scheduled blog to bring you a glimpse into next week's ground-breaking release of Lady Gaga's Born This Way. Listen to this and tell me you aren't excited. But be warned, it may cause squeals of unrestrained glee.

Anyway, where was I? Yes. Ramblings. Aaaaaand we're off!

Today has been long. Life tends to be that way. It doesn't help that I did almost nothing today. And stagnation will make one miserable faster than anything else.

I am really tired of the fight. Mainly, the fight that I'm trying to resolve within myself, that almost gets completed, and then someone or something has to step back in and remind me that I'm an abomination and that God and all Mormons hate me. They'll claim that they don't until they're blue in the face, but the fact remains that until they're ready to listen to me, setting aside all thoughts and suggestions of what I'm "supposed" to do, then they don't love me.

And until someone can suggest a complete and relevant suggestion for me, something that I can actually build a happy life on, then I will discuss nothing about the moral relevance of my orientation with them. We get it. You don't like that we're gay. We understand, you have a problem with it. It makes you uncomfortable. We get it! So stop trying to tell us, and actually offer a solution! If you don't have one, then mind your own business!

I obviously need to talk some of this crap out, because there is some defensiveness and anger here. I don't get to see my new therapist this week, so I may have to set up an appointment with my Facebook therapist. You know who you are. ;)

Anyway, on a lighter note, my boyfriend and I had lunch yesterday with a married couple in Salt Lake, and it was such a great day. Lunch was amazing, the company was fantastic, and to be able to actually be a couple around other people felt incredible. We spent several hours just talking. It was great, and I am already itching to go back. Provo just gets smaller and smaller every day. And when there are such great people up north, it's hard not to want to be with them.

Wow. I cannot stop playing that blip of Gaga's new song! I can't wait!!!!

As I wrote the last line my boyfriend sent me a text that said "check your email." When I did, I found an autotuned recording of him singing "I love you, Goodnight!" How cute is that? What a sweet boy I found. :) I think I'll keep him.

Anyway, I'd better get to bed. May the new week dawn brightly for us all, and may the wait to Gaga's new release be swift and painless! ;)

Prayers for Bobby, and for Everyone Else

I really don't know how to start this post. Words just seem to fail what I'm feeling. I hope that, in the end, they will convey what I want to say.

In the past few days I have been reading "Prayers for Bobby." It is a story all too familiar for those of us within the paradoxical society of gay Mormons. It follows the life of Bobby Griffin, a young boy raised in the seventies and eighties, and his intense internal battle between his faith and his sexuality.

This book pulls from his diaries, which were his only consolation during the intense and painful battle he fought. To read of the intense self-hatred he felt, the despair at having failed God for not changing, and the darkness he inevitably sunk into breaks my heart. This young man was in pain, searching somewhere for hope and for peace in a life that was intent on torturing him. But he never found it.

Early in the morning of August 27th, 1983, Bobby Griffin leaped from a bridge into oncoming traffic.

His story is one of tragedy. Not because of his sexual orientation, nor because of his efforts in working with it. It is a tragedy because of the misery he experienced. Because the only escape he could find was death. It is a tragedy because of the way he could never find goodness in himself, because of his intense self-judgment. Because he never learned to love the amazing person that he was. He never felt like he was enough. He never felt that he was anything of worth. And he simply couldn't fight it anymore.

I ache as I read this story. I ache because I have been there. But more so because I know that thousands of young people are going through the exact same thing. They feel rejected, hated, and worthless. They fight to find some happiness, but it escapes them. There are so many. And so many don't know where to turn for help.

I don't know how many people will read this post, but I need to send my own message to those that are fighting their own internal battles. Especially to those who are gay members of the church.

First, please know that you are not alone. There are so many of us who are in the same situation. We are willing to talk and to help.

But even if you don't believe it, God is there for you too. Part of you says, "No, he's not there. He won't be there until I can make myself straight, until I can overcome this challenge." But that's completely false. God doesn't work that way. We don't have to wait until we're perfect before God sends us help. Grace means that God sends us help now, even if we don't deserve it. So accept his grace, his unconditional love.

Know that you are not a freak. You are not a perversion of nature. You are endowed with gifts and abilities that make you a magnificent creature. You are of infinite worth. And your attraction does not change this. In fact, in my opinion, it simply increases your worth.

As I made my own way, working to understand how 'gay' and 'mormon' can coexist, the one message that I got from God without fail was that he loved me. And even when I begged for other answers and he chose not to respond, he always let me know that he loved me. And he loves you.

God does not condemn the homosexual. He looks on the heart. He sees us for who we really are and for what we truly desire. I know that he does not condemn me for my orientation, nor for my relationship. He rather wants me to improve my life and the lives of others around me. If we are constantly busy guilty ourselves about being gay, spending all our time and energy trying to change it when God never promised he would, then we miss the chances to truly make a difference in the lives of others. We miss the chance to connect with those who would break us free from our obsessions. Freedom lies in working to liberate others from their own sorrows.

Life is not an easy road. And we won't always get the answers we seek. Sometimes the path seems so overcrowded that we don't know which way to turn. But we are not alone on this path.

As a final note, I want simply to say that as I have come to accept and appreciate my orientation I have come to be truly happy. As I have come to love myself, and appreciate who I am as a human being, I have found inner peace.

But this acceptance doesn't mean I have to leave the church. It doesn't mean that I have to lead a promiscuousness or partying lifestyle. I can be a good, complete person with a happy and productive life. All of us can.

And all of us are worth it.

Randomness

So, this is probably going to be a pretty disjointed post, mostly because I have no idea where I'm going with it. I just know that I want to write something.

I went to that party last night and it's all I keep thinking about. I want to go again so badly, just to meet people and to feel part of a community again. I have the same urge to over indulge that you get when you haven't eaten in a long time, and then a feast is set before you. You want to eat everything, and often do. I think the technical term is binging. I want to binge on socializing. Haha!

I'm worried, though, that when I get back to Provo I won't have the opportunity. I squirm at the thought of having to go back into that suffocating disguise and live my life as a closeted gay. I feel like the culture of Utah county is crushing me. Not good when I have another year and a half.

I've also been thinking a lot today about my future, and where I want to be. I was asked last night where I see myself at the end of everything, which is something that I think every gay or lesbian spends considerable time thinking about, simply because our future isn't conveniently set up with scaffolding, waiting for us to fill in the details. We're creating something of a completely different sort, and previous blueprints just won't do.

And honestly, this is something that has come up on its own accord in the last couple weeks. The end of December marked a full ten months since I've been seeing a therapist, and because of those meetings I feel better than I have ever felt in my life. I am happy, I like myself, and I am at peace with my sexuality. Except for this new little thought that is coming in.

It's almost as if because I'm finally becoming happy and functional that part of me feels obligated to become straight. As if being gay only comes if you're an emotional mess and screwed up. I don't feel the same urges to party it up like I used to. I feel very content, and I guess some part of me thinks that means I have to be straight. But I don't want to be. And the attraction hasn't changed, that's for sure. In all reality I want to be a functional and happy gay man. Someone confident about himself, someone supportive of others, and someone that can find joy and happiness regardless of the world around him.

Today my family and I went to see the musical "Savior of the World" at the conference center. It was absolutely beautiful. And of course, I got emotional throughout it. But as I thought through this question, the one about my orientation now that I'm finally starting to be able to stand on my own two feet, I didn't feel like I was being urged to switch teams. I actually felt like I was heading in the right direction. I feel like this part of me is going to play a huge role in my life. And I feel like the better I know and understand it, the more I will be able to help other people.

So I hope that as I focus on that aspect of this, the urge to try and change something that I never could change before will subside. Because why should I have to change myself now that I actually like myself, and now that I am finding the type of people that I feel at home with? It's just not logical, nor do I want it.

In fact, I would like to be more social. Curse Provo!