Another Random Collage: Double Standards and a New Therapist

Today's post is probably going to be just as disjointed as all the others I've written lately, but oh, well. It's my blog, and I can do what I want. :)

In Gender class today we finally touched the sensitive issues, and my, people had a lot to say. We discussed hermaphrodites, transsexuals transvestites, and homosexuals. It seemed somewhat ironic to me that the students were more accepting of hermaphrodites and even transsexuals than they were of homosexuals. The only thing that makes sense to me is that because of all the press in the last few years being gay is the absolute evil.

But my professor asked, "If your son or daughter came and told you they were gay, would you throw them out of the house, use 'tough love' on them?" Everyone said they wouldn't. One comment was made about the difference between the attraction and the behavior. The pompous guy that said that made the point that if his son was acting on it, then he wouldn't allow the boy in his house. I officially knew that I needed to say something.

I raised my hand and made the point that first of all, this is a very personal issue, and not being accepting is the last thing people need. Also, they've struggled with these things for a long time, and they've already asked themselves all the questions, and they've already guilted themselves enough. Acceptance is the only way to respond.

I then made the point that it is a double standard to say you'd throw your son out if he acted on his attraction, because if your son had sex with a girl they'd never throw him out. But for some reason if he has sex with a boy, it's okay? It's very hypocritical.

My professor then took that and asked "Is it a sin to have an erotic thought about someone?" The class said yes. (I could comment on that position alone, but I won't do that here.) Then she asked "So when you've been making out with someone you haven't had any erotic thoughts at all? How many of you have erotically made out?" We knew she had us there. She then pointed her finger at us and said "You're all sinners!" We had a good laugh at that. Of course it's not evil to have an erotic thought, especially while making out.

Then she brought in the big guns "Is it a sin for gays to kiss?" The class said yes, no question. "So it's not a sin for you to erotically make out, but just one kiss for gays is a sin?" They didn't say anything. "I want you to think about this for next time: Shouldn't the standards for gay people be the same as for straight people? I want you to be the 'devil's advocate' on this one. Think about it from the other side."

Next time will definitely be interesting.

But people just can't wrap their heads around this. My professor, who is from Japan, said she went back and homosexuality isn't an issue at all. A girl in the class who served a mission in South Korea said that people there asked her why America was so obsessed with homosexuality. It's not a big deal for them.

My professor made the point that the predominant religion over in the east is Buddhism, and that the Christian culture here really makes a difference. If only we could be as christian as the Buddhists.

Anyway, now that my rant on the ignorance of the culture here is over, I can move on to my next point of order. Due to financial issues I stopped seeing my old therapist and started going to a therapist on campus.

Yesterday was my first meeting, and I was a bit nervous about it. We sat down, and she asked me to just go over a few things that brought me in. She did a very good job on being kind and accepting, and I felt comfortable with her relatively quickly. I told her my story, and she was very sympathetic.

I got up to the present day, and she asked if I was dating anyone. I told her I had been in a relationship for over a year. I talked to her about what my relationship and my boyfriend have done for me, about how he saved me, and how he isn't just a pair of arms, but he's my best friend. He's my companion.

My therapist smiled and said that it warmed her heart that I could say that. She said "You have no idea how many people come through here, trying to figure out what to do about being gay, or if they even are gay, and they go out and they get lost in the mess of everything. For you to be able to say that he is your companion means so much."

I'll admit, I expected tolerance, but I didn't expect that. She basically told me she was glad I had my boyfriend. Cool. :)

We finished by talking about my views on religion, and the honor code. I talked about how the honor code expects everyone to be perfect right now, rather than allowing them to be in the process of becoming a better person. I believe that there are so many people here that need help, but they don't seek it, because the honor code has no tolerance.

An interesting note: actually, it turns out that as of this year, BYU has removed the term "advocacy" from its homosexuality section of the honor code. Advocacy is now no longer grounds for being kicked out of BYU. That's pretty big. Now, you have to be gay and kiss a boy, and then you're out. But at least you can say that you want to kiss a boy! Hahaha!

So the therapy was very good, and it was definitely needed. I can't wait until my next session. It's definitely been way too long!

Anyway, that's pretty much it for today. This post was more of a journal than an inspirational thought, but hey, that's why I started the thing to begin with!

Alone in a Sea of People

I've been reading a bit about the BYU honor code lately. I live in an apartment where the honor code is not regarded as the will of God descending directly from his lips, so it's been a nice oasis from the BYU social world, where the word is law, and no one questions it.

I realize that students signed an agreement about the honor code. And I realize that the school is trying to maintain a wholesome environment. But for people like me, who have spent their whole lives feeling different, and who have finally admitted to themselves that they are gay, and who have no idea what to do with it all, the answer isn't so easy. In the end, the BYU atmosphere creates a very lonely place to figure out what to do about being a gay mormon.

I'm not saying that the school should change its policies so that gay guys can sleep with whomever, whenever. I'm saying that the university needs to actually address the needs that these students have. We feel like we're suffocating sometimes. And the reason that many of the gay students resort to sex is because they see no where else to go. They can't hold hands or kiss. They aren't allowed to go on dates or have relationships. They can't discuss it with others, because while being openly gay isn't grounds for expulsion, they will then be watched 24 hours a day, with the honor code office just waiting for them to slip up. But sex is quick. It's hidden. And it releases some of the constant pull that they feel all the time. Perhaps, if BYU were to simply try to offer counseling programs specifically for people like this, in order to safely and privately address the needs of the students, they could minimize the extreme violations of the honor code, keep a number of gay students in the church in the long run, and actually help these people. Any student at this university is not there to harm it or attack it. And that fact alone places a burden on the university to be what they claim to be: "the Lord's university", and actually make the lives of these people better. It's an odd thing when the church is merciful and forgiving, but the school is the one making life and death sentences.

I've read as well that BYU discriminates against heterosexual violations of the honor code just as much. However, there was a football player who was suspended for a semester (along with his girlfriend) for what, we can only image. Rumor is that they're getting married. But not only were they given leeway (because they're straight? a football player?) but the Daily Universe, the school paper, reported his "time off" and then proceeded to mention all of his great sporting achievements. They celebrated him, while announcing his suspension, though they never called it that. With research, I think it is clear that the same mercy is not extended to gay musicians.

But the fact of the matter is that many of the gay students at BYU are there because they have faith. They have a testimony. And they want a better relationship with God. They have different problems than others, of course. They have different choices to make. But that does not make them less of a good person, or less qualified to attend this university. And the sooner the university can stop feeling so personally attacked by such occurrences, the sooner they can actually be mature adults and help those who suffer in such silence.

I love the goodness of the people of BYU. I just hope they would continue to extend it to me if they knew I was gay.