Feeling Split

So, I've been feeling a lot of the normal confusion surrounding this whole situation. Trying to figure out what trumps what, feelings or spiritual devotions. It's difficult. And it doesn't help that there seem to be so few options. Unless you miraculously change and can live a traditional life (and I've talked to people who have experienced this, but they go through hell in the process), you have to be celibate to be a full fledged active member of the church. And there's just nothing after that.

But not only have I been playing with the idea of trying to change, again, but I've had the question going through my mind for the last week or so, "do I really even want to be straight?" I know what most people would say to that. "Of course you do!" They don't even hesitate. I think that many straight people, especially members of the church, think that this is painful, or awkward for us. It feels uncomfortable and ill-fitting to them, so it certainly must to us. But it doesn't. It doesn't feel awkward at all. It feels like it fits, like the feeling of finally finding the matching puzzle piece you've been looking for and pressing the two into place. The awkward feeling is the one that comes when I think of having a deep and personal relationship with a woman.

Another thing that many straight people may not realize is that the draw is not purely physical. Really, the biggest attraction to a same-sex relationship is emotional. As I think about it, I think that the body can learn attraction. I've heard it said that the most powerful sex organ is the brain. But that, in essence, is the problem. I think I'd have a harder time feeling comfortable in an emotionally intimate way with a woman. And that, of course, affects all the rest. The emotional draw for a relationship with another guy is the most powerful and rewarding part of it all.

But on the other side of the coin, I don't want to have to lose my faith and my religious devotions because of the way I feel. Honestly, I'd like to regain some of the spirituality that I've lost since this all blew up in my face (another story for another time, but one that needs to be told).  I want to go to church, watch general conference, the whole lot. But I don't want to feel like an outsider, either. And I don't want to wonder what will happen after this life. Yeah, God loves us. Of course he does. Anyone who says otherwise is not a true Christian. But laws are laws. I just wish we knew a little more about his thoughts on all these issues.

I think one thing that gets to me the most is that if I chose to follow my feelings, then I wouldn't reach my full potential, and I'd somehow fail in fulfilling some grand purpose or task that I had promised to do before this life. Honestly, I feel that in some way, that purpose has to do with the way I feel. I just don't know what side of the emotions it will all be on.

Anyway, I take comfort in the love God has for all of us. Most of the time the only thing I can say that I truly want is for him to lead me where he wants me to be. I don't know where that is, but I'm assuming it's good.