I realize that it's incredibly late, and that this will make the fourth post in two days, but I really wanted to get my thoughts down before I went to bed.
Tonight I went to my first MoHo party. And I have to admit, as I drove there I was pretty anxious. I had never met anyone there in person. I had talked to a few through blogs, but that was it. But I had a good feeling that I could trust these people and I decided to give it a shot.
Right as I walked in I was welcomed and brought into a conversation. No one left me on the side to figure things out on my own. People smiled, introduced themselves, and asked questions about me, trying to get to know me better. (I'm still trying to figure out how Rob knew who I was, despite my alias!) While I walked in feeling nervous and reserved, in just a few minutes I felt completely comfortable. At one point I even had a small group listening to my own life story. It meant a lot to know that these people were interested in me and what I had to say, and it made me feel like part of the group that much faster. So to all of you, thanks. :)
Even though this is not the first occasion that I've spent time with other gay people, I found myself marveling at one point at how completely comfortable I was in that situation, and how topics that I'm normally accustomed to hiding from other people felt normal and acceptable. It was like taking a breath of fresh air after being underwater for a long time.
It also made me realize how much I can't wait to get out of Provo. Haha!
I loved the general goodness in everyone that was there. Everyone at the party was at a different point regarding their relationship with the church. But each of us is trying to be a good person, and to maintain a relationship with God. I was very touched when one man told me as he said goodbye "When it comes to the church, don't worry too much about it. What really matters is your relationship with the Savior." Amen.
Over all it was a wonderful night. I got to eat great food (whoever made the quiche is my idol!), discuss things that are important to me, and laugh with a great group of people.
Just as a last thought, it occurred to me as I drove home how absolutely refreshed I felt. How emotionally healthy I felt. I was able to be in a safe situation with people who accepted and liked me. It was so cleansing.
So to any of you who are struggling with your sexuality and don't know what to do about it, the first thing I would suggest is to find someone who accepts you completely, and talk about it. It will save your sanity. Tonight certainly helped mine!
Happy 2011 everyone!!!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
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5 comments:
Two years ago, I drove 800 miles to attend my first party at Scott & Sarah's. When I got out of the car in front of their house, I stopped and stood there for a couple of minutes, suddenly almost frozen with fear. "This is irrevocable," I thought. "You go in there, and everybody's gonna know you're gay, and you can never take that back." Old habits tried one last time to take control.
Then I said to myself "You haven't come all this way to turn back now. You can't let fear re-assert itself like that. Get in there and get on with your life." So I did, and had the same experience you've now had. A major milestone, and I've never looked back.
It was great to meet you and I look forward to reading more of your thoughts.
I can totally relate to all of that. I sat in the car for a minute before going in, and it was taking all my effort to keep myself calm. It's a big step, but it's such a relieving one to make.
I read somewhere that you can either fight the anxiety that keeps you from living life, or you can fight the depression that comes from never taking a chance. Only one gets easier with time. The choice is yours.
If you ever had a question about your sexual orientation, you cleared it up with your post...as the book title avers, "Real Men Don't Eat Quiche," only gay ones.... :-)
It was great meeting you and good luck on your journey.
Sorry I didn't introduce myself (I was in a black v-neck). I could only pop in for an hour and catch up with some friends in town for the holidays, but I'm glad things went well. My first experience was very different (but also a good experience).
@Clive: I guess that seals it. Cause I looove quiche!
@GMB: I actually saw and recognized you. I thought of making my own introduction, but I was caught up in the conversation. Good to know who you are, though! Lol!
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