So, this is probably going to be a pretty disjointed post, mostly because I have no idea where I'm going with it. I just know that I want to write something.
I went to that party last night and it's all I keep thinking about. I want to go again so badly, just to meet people and to feel part of a community again. I have the same urge to over indulge that you get when you haven't eaten in a long time, and then a feast is set before you. You want to eat everything, and often do. I think the technical term is binging. I want to binge on socializing. Haha!
I'm worried, though, that when I get back to Provo I won't have the opportunity. I squirm at the thought of having to go back into that suffocating disguise and live my life as a closeted gay. I feel like the culture of Utah county is crushing me. Not good when I have another year and a half.
I've also been thinking a lot today about my future, and where I want to be. I was asked last night where I see myself at the end of everything, which is something that I think every gay or lesbian spends considerable time thinking about, simply because our future isn't conveniently set up with scaffolding, waiting for us to fill in the details. We're creating something of a completely different sort, and previous blueprints just won't do.
And honestly, this is something that has come up on its own accord in the last couple weeks. The end of December marked a full ten months since I've been seeing a therapist, and because of those meetings I feel better than I have ever felt in my life. I am happy, I like myself, and I am at peace with my sexuality. Except for this new little thought that is coming in.
It's almost as if because I'm finally becoming happy and functional that part of me feels obligated to become straight. As if being gay only comes if you're an emotional mess and screwed up. I don't feel the same urges to party it up like I used to. I feel very content, and I guess some part of me thinks that means I have to be straight. But I don't want to be. And the attraction hasn't changed, that's for sure. In all reality I want to be a functional and happy gay man. Someone confident about himself, someone supportive of others, and someone that can find joy and happiness regardless of the world around him.
Today my family and I went to see the musical "Savior of the World" at the conference center. It was absolutely beautiful. And of course, I got emotional throughout it. But as I thought through this question, the one about my orientation now that I'm finally starting to be able to stand on my own two feet, I didn't feel like I was being urged to switch teams. I actually felt like I was heading in the right direction. I feel like this part of me is going to play a huge role in my life. And I feel like the better I know and understand it, the more I will be able to help other people.
So I hope that as I focus on that aspect of this, the urge to try and change something that I never could change before will subside. Because why should I have to change myself now that I actually like myself, and now that I am finding the type of people that I feel at home with? It's just not logical, nor do I want it.
In fact, I would like to be more social. Curse Provo!