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Friday, January 13, 2012

This is the Way, Walk Ye in It

It's nearly 4 am. I should get some sleep. But there is so much on my mind right now. I can't even begin to explain it all, so I'm just going to write, treat this as a journal for my immediate thoughts.

I have come a very long way on my spiritual journey. I have passed many trials. And I have finally come to a place where I can have some peace over my faith and my sexuality.

While I was still in the midst of the struggles, though, I sometimes worried about what it meant if I let myself be gay. Would I forfeit some preordained mission and return from this life a failure? I worried a lot about that.

I spent the last couple of hours talking with someone who reminds me very much of myself. He is deep in the struggle of faith and sexuality. His heart is very pure. But he doesn't see that. We talked for a long time. And it seemed that he gained some peace by the end of the conversation.

When I talk with people about my faith, about the journey I've been on, it feels like everything falls into place. It feels like the universe is lining up. I feel such intense purpose. I want to spend my life doing exactly what I did tonight. I want to work through the struggles with my fellow LGBT brothers and sisters. There is so much peace to be had through God and His Son. And the gay community is thirsting for that peace.

During one of the intense arguments with my parents sometime in the last year my dad wondered aloud if I wasn't supposed to overcome this trial in order to help others overcome it. I certainly feel like my life is inseparably connected with issues of God, faith, and sexuality. But I have come to realize that I can do more good from being gay myself, than I could by being a reformed straight man in mainstream church culture. I am where I am supposed to be.

The last week has been so incredibly hard for me. But by chance I came across a scripture in Isaiah that has been like the waters of life to me.

"And therefore will the Lord wait, that he may be gracious unto you, and therefore will he be exalted, that he may have mercy upon you: for the Lord is a God of judgment: blessed are all they that wait for him.

"For the people shall dwell in Zion and Jerusalem: thou shalt weep no more: he will be very gracious unto thee at the voice of thy cry; when he shall hear it, he will answer thee.

"And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity, and the water of affliction, yet shall not thy teacher be removed into a corner any more, but thine eyes shall see thy teacher.

"And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left."

Tonight, even though I have been through a lot of sorrow and burden this last week, I heard that voice behind me. "This is the way, walk ye in it."

I cannot see the road beyond. But I step knowing that my Lord will guide me as he ever has, one step at a time. I trust him, and he will lead me home.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Retrospection: Alex

So, I haven't written in forever. I've had this next entry written for months, just never posted it. A lot has happened in the last few weeks, but all things considered, this is a sweet memory, so I will post it. Enjoy!

I cleaned up as much as I could when I got to Provo. Then I went to pick him up. I remember seeing him standing on the side of the road as I drove up to his apartment. My heart was beating in my throat and my breath was shallow and erratic.

He got in the car and I got my first look of him in real life. He was cute. Cuter than his pictures. He was wearing a simple black jacket with his blue jeans, and his hair was up in a faux hawk. His bright green eyes were striking. Immediately I was attracted to him. He was gorgeous.

I was so nervous. He later told me that I talked a lot that first night. I’m sure I did! We got some dinner from In n Out, and then went to my place to watch some movies. We watched Glee and he showed me Lady Gaga music videos. (He couldn’t have known what monster he was creating when he did that!)
He told me pretty early on that he didn’t like to make the first move on dates. That was clear later as we were watching Glee. We sat next to each other on the bed, his hand laying palm up on his knee. I think I watched that hand for fifteen minutes before I finally gathered the courage to take it with mine.

“Finally!” he laughed. I laughed, relieved that he had wanted me to take it. We settled in and cuddled for the rest of the show. The feeling of being held by a gorgeous guy was incredible. It was like breathing for the first time. My entire body was alive.

Later, after the movie, we were talking and cuddling, and I eyed his lips. I remembered what he’d said about making the first move, and so I made mine. I leaned over and pressed mine to his.

Words fail me. So I’m not even going to try. Suffice it to say that the rest of that night was complete bliss. I was in the arms of someone I liked, and he liked me.