It was late March when I noticed something odd about my laptop. I had turned it on, but nothing was happening. "That's odd," I thought. I turned it off, then switched it back on, and it booted up like normal.
That day began the beginning of the end for my laptop. Over the next couple weeks it took more tries to get it to boot up, until finally, it was gone. RIP HPdv2.
Murphy made his entrance with his usual impeccable timing, throwing about his law of "what ever bad thing can happen, will happen, and at the most inopportune moment." My laptop died just in time for finals to begin.
Until yesterday, when my new laptop arrived, I had been ostracized from the online world, except for what I could glean from my phone or the computers on campus. But as I basked in the light of computer screen yesterday afternoon, I realized that there were some things about my internet exile that I don't want to lose.
First, without the random distractions of surfing the net, I had a ton of extra time. I got a lot of things done. My room is clean and organized. The kitchen is spotless. And I've gotten more out of my leisure time.
Secondly, I rediscovered my books. I love reading. But with college classes and Facebook addictions time really gets used up quick. Without those distractions I poured myself into some pretty rewarding books. And I want to keep that.
Lastly, I had so much more time to think. I don't know what it is about the computer, but something in its ethereal glow shuts off a part of the mind. It induces a daze-like state. Especially if a person is just wandering about the internet out of boredom. It pulls a person away from the real world, and even worse, away from themselves.
Now, I'm not raising up against computers and the internet. Trust me, coming home to an HP package in front of my door yesterday induced child-like glee. But I think that when we expect the internet to become our sole means of entertainment, social interaction, education, and exploration we miss out on the very things around us that can open our eyes to new and exciting ideas. Being away from the distraction of the internet allowed me to observe, to think, and to reawaken creative sides of my character that had drifted to sleep in the past.
Because of this, I now intend to use my computer as a tool, and not a life support system. That way my computer becomes a means of enhancing my daily life, rather than consuming it.
Anyway, I just thought I'd share some of my experiences of digital "homelessness" and say that, at last, I'm back.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Black Notebook #1
So, this semester I bought a small black notebook for my classes. In the end it became a place I stored my thoughts and creativity rather than a place for notes. But it has been a very good thing for me to have.
I want to start recording some of the things I wrote here on my blog. I'm just going to go chronologically through the book, a couple entries every pot. So here's black notebook blog post #1.
1.
Where are you?
I search your face but can't find you.
Where once was surety,
now is weariness.
I wait,
nervous that your legs will fail you.
You were once strong and certain,
experienced and in control.
But now your grip is weak in my hand.
Did your strength leave you,
or did I fall in love with a dream?
Who am I?
I search my soul
and come up with fragments over and over.
I barely understand the things I find.
Are they even real?
Or are they remnants of a lonely mind?
I lay my heart out time and time again,
straining to decipher its beat
and find what it truly needs.
Is doubt to be found everywhere?
Why does satisfaction elude me?
Where have you gone?
Have you abandoned us all?
Why have you left us this way?
It seems with age you recoil from us,
or perhaps we simply see that you
were never really here.
That you are a myth.
I've lived the doctrine that goodness
hastens your arrival,
yet it seems you are too apprehensive
to leave divine hand.
Help us.
Save us.
Bring us peace.
Open my eyes.
Grant me view of my own heart.
Relieve the pain of uncertainty.
Set our feet on solid ground,
and send us elusive satisfaction.
I want to start recording some of the things I wrote here on my blog. I'm just going to go chronologically through the book, a couple entries every pot. So here's black notebook blog post #1.
1.
Where are you?
I search your face but can't find you.
Where once was surety,
now is weariness.
I wait,
nervous that your legs will fail you.
You were once strong and certain,
experienced and in control.
But now your grip is weak in my hand.
Did your strength leave you,
or did I fall in love with a dream?
Who am I?
I search my soul
and come up with fragments over and over.
I barely understand the things I find.
Are they even real?
Or are they remnants of a lonely mind?
I lay my heart out time and time again,
straining to decipher its beat
and find what it truly needs.
Is doubt to be found everywhere?
Why does satisfaction elude me?
Where have you gone?
Have you abandoned us all?
Why have you left us this way?
It seems with age you recoil from us,
or perhaps we simply see that you
were never really here.
That you are a myth.
I've lived the doctrine that goodness
hastens your arrival,
yet it seems you are too apprehensive
to leave divine hand.
Help us.
Save us.
Bring us peace.
Open my eyes.
Grant me view of my own heart.
Relieve the pain of uncertainty.
Set our feet on solid ground,
and send us elusive satisfaction.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Wonderings
I have so much to get done today, but I need to take a moment and get my thoughts down before they're gone.
Yesterday I received "Goodbye, I Love You" by Carol Lynn Pearson in the mail. I love everything she puts her pen to. I read with hunger through to book until I finished about an hour ago. With everything I read I come to love this woman more. Carol Lynn has such a beautiful way of touching the human soul. Her words make me weep.
I found so much that was so familiar in the story of Carol Lynn and Gerald. Their courtship and the dynamics between them was so similar to what I have experienced in my close friendships and relationships with girls. I feel that I have had some of the questions answered by reading their story. For some time I have wondered, what would have happened if I had just found a girl and gotten married? What if I had married the girl I once dated, never touching the world of gay dating? I know now that it would not have gone away. Hearts would have been broken. And that's just something I cannot do.
The beautiful spirituality of the book is not classic Mormonism. And I liked that. She spoke of femininity, of God and Goddess, of meditation and communion with Deity. It refreshed my soul to hear and read and feel the things she wrote.
But I found that while it is a first hand account, there was no declaration of what is, what should be, and how to act. There is no stance on the issue, no prescribed course of action for the church or the nation. There's only Carol Lynn and Gerald, revealed for all to see the deepest parts of their hearts. I think every one who knows this issue firsthand can see themselves there, watching them play out the very things we've felt ourselves.
There are so many things unanswered. It leads one to lift his eyes to the starry night and wonder. It seems that the knowledge God has given us is as each one of those pinpricks in the sky--bright, beautiful, and poignant. But such inky mystery separates them. What does all this mean? How does it all connect? And who am I, who so defies our understanding of the world here and beyond?
We truly are pioneers, as cheesy as the comparison seems. Though unlike the pioneers, I'm not sure what the destination is. In the barren wilderness I forge I can only raise my single voice and ask Him to show the way. He doesn't tell me the destination. He just tells me the next step. And when he doesn't even tell me the next step and the night gets ever darker, he gives me a hand to hold on to, and a shoulder to weep on.
I do not understand. I cannot even explain my own existence. But I know that I need God. As much as I need air to breathe and water to drink, I need him. I need to be engulfed in his spirit and his love.
"I know only as much of God and the world
As a creature with two eyes must;
But what I do understand I love,
And what I don't understand, I trust."
- Carol Lynn Pearson
As I read this book, a 25 year old first edition copy, I marveled at how dramatically Carol Lynn's life changed. It was fascinating to read of her as a young woman, fresh in love, and to watch the way her world changed, and then to think of how her world has continued to change in one massive metamorphosis driven by divine design. It baffles me, to think of how my life will similarly change. It will morph and become something I cannot even now fathom. What will it be? What will I be? What will I know, and think, and love? The possibility that I contain, as a simple human being, amazes me.
"Today
You came running
With a small specked egg
Warm in your hand.
You could barely understand,
I know,
As I told you
Of Beginnings--
Of egg and bird
Told, too,
That years ago
You began,
Smaller than sight.
And then,
As egg yearns for sky
And seed
Stretches to tree,
You became--
Like me.
Oh,
But there's
So much more.
You and I,
Child,
Have just begun.
Think:
Worlds from now
What might we be? --
We,
Who are seed
Of Deity."
- CLP
Yesterday I received "Goodbye, I Love You" by Carol Lynn Pearson in the mail. I love everything she puts her pen to. I read with hunger through to book until I finished about an hour ago. With everything I read I come to love this woman more. Carol Lynn has such a beautiful way of touching the human soul. Her words make me weep.
I found so much that was so familiar in the story of Carol Lynn and Gerald. Their courtship and the dynamics between them was so similar to what I have experienced in my close friendships and relationships with girls. I feel that I have had some of the questions answered by reading their story. For some time I have wondered, what would have happened if I had just found a girl and gotten married? What if I had married the girl I once dated, never touching the world of gay dating? I know now that it would not have gone away. Hearts would have been broken. And that's just something I cannot do.
The beautiful spirituality of the book is not classic Mormonism. And I liked that. She spoke of femininity, of God and Goddess, of meditation and communion with Deity. It refreshed my soul to hear and read and feel the things she wrote.
But I found that while it is a first hand account, there was no declaration of what is, what should be, and how to act. There is no stance on the issue, no prescribed course of action for the church or the nation. There's only Carol Lynn and Gerald, revealed for all to see the deepest parts of their hearts. I think every one who knows this issue firsthand can see themselves there, watching them play out the very things we've felt ourselves.
There are so many things unanswered. It leads one to lift his eyes to the starry night and wonder. It seems that the knowledge God has given us is as each one of those pinpricks in the sky--bright, beautiful, and poignant. But such inky mystery separates them. What does all this mean? How does it all connect? And who am I, who so defies our understanding of the world here and beyond?
We truly are pioneers, as cheesy as the comparison seems. Though unlike the pioneers, I'm not sure what the destination is. In the barren wilderness I forge I can only raise my single voice and ask Him to show the way. He doesn't tell me the destination. He just tells me the next step. And when he doesn't even tell me the next step and the night gets ever darker, he gives me a hand to hold on to, and a shoulder to weep on.
I do not understand. I cannot even explain my own existence. But I know that I need God. As much as I need air to breathe and water to drink, I need him. I need to be engulfed in his spirit and his love.
"I know only as much of God and the world
As a creature with two eyes must;
But what I do understand I love,
And what I don't understand, I trust."
- Carol Lynn Pearson
As I read this book, a 25 year old first edition copy, I marveled at how dramatically Carol Lynn's life changed. It was fascinating to read of her as a young woman, fresh in love, and to watch the way her world changed, and then to think of how her world has continued to change in one massive metamorphosis driven by divine design. It baffles me, to think of how my life will similarly change. It will morph and become something I cannot even now fathom. What will it be? What will I be? What will I know, and think, and love? The possibility that I contain, as a simple human being, amazes me.
"Today
You came running
With a small specked egg
Warm in your hand.
You could barely understand,
I know,
As I told you
Of Beginnings--
Of egg and bird
Told, too,
That years ago
You began,
Smaller than sight.
And then,
As egg yearns for sky
And seed
Stretches to tree,
You became--
Like me.
Oh,
But there's
So much more.
You and I,
Child,
Have just begun.
Think:
Worlds from now
What might we be? --
We,
Who are seed
Of Deity."
- CLP
Monday, February 28, 2011
Aaaaand We're Back!
It is absolutely atrocious how long it has been since I wrote here. Probably more than a month. It's been a rocky few weeks, and even though there were times I thought about writing, I felt so emotionally drained that I couldn't muster the energy.
But I'm back! The problems aren't all gone, but do problems ever really go away? I think perhaps there are simply times when we handle them better than others.
So, one really good thing that I got from the last few weeks of wandering is the chance to read Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection. I referenced Brene earlier when I wrote about her vulnerability speech. But this is basically her guidebook on how to live wholeheartedly. It's an incredible read. Unlike other "self-help" books, she hits right to the center of the things that are causing many of us conflict and tension in our lives. I would highly, highly recommend it. In fact, I'll link you to amazon right now.
This last week has been rather nice. My boyfriend's mother came into town, and from last Wednesday to today we've spent every evening at his sister's house so that he could be with his mom. He is such a momma's boy, and he knows it. I loved seeing the excitement in his eye when he was with her. They don't get to see one another nearly often enough, but this week was nice for them.
But the time I spent with them was different for me as well. Now, I've been at his sister's house plenty of times, and I had gotten to know her husband and daughter. But this week with all of us together it felt like I became much more a part of the family than before. I got closer to both my bf's sister and her husband, and I think the husband would be okay with getting me as a brother-in-law. Finally someone in the family to play Call of Duty with him. ;)
Tonight, as we had our last dinner with his mom, they began talking about my boyfriend getting a car this summer (I've been a happy chauffeur for a year now). "I could come and see you guys much more often," he said to his sister. She then looked at me and said "But you still have to bring Ty. Just because he doesn't have to drive you doesn't mean he doesn't get to come." That made me feel really good.
We've never talked to them about it, but we're pretty darn sure they know about us dating. Otherwise it would be really odd for them to invite me to dinner for the past five nights. I'm not sure how they feel about it all. But I think they see that we are happy with each other. They see the fruits of our relationship in other aspects of our lives. And even though they might not understand it, and they might not agree with it, they love us all the same. And that makes me feel good.
Since we're talking about families, I'll segue into a bit about my own. I went home this weekend (two and a half hour drive!). I stopped on the way to visit my grandmother, who has taken quite a beating health-wise in the last couple years. She was thrilled to see me, and I was just as happy to see her. I've always felt a connection to this grandmother, and if I were to come out to someone in my extended family, it would probably be her. She has such an unconditional love, and she is able to get rid of prejudice when it interferes with her family. What an angel she is. I think I'll make a habit of visiting every time I go home.
My immediate family was doing well. They moved into a new house a month ago, and they're finally getting settled. It was really good to see them. My mom has definitely softened up. I sent her a copy of Carol Lynn Pearson's No More Goodbyes, and although she's never mentioned it since, it seems like she may have read it. The weekend was nice, simply because I got to sit around and be a part of a family. Nothing too eventful. Just a nice weekend.
Although, when we got to sacrament meeting yesterday, the first speaker stands up and announces that she's been assigned President Packer's talk as her subject. My heart dropped and I prepared for the worst. Thankfully, she was very judicial and stuck to the material, using scripture simply to reiterate what President Packer said. All the same, it was still hard to sit through. I am grateful, however, that she wasn't offensive about it.
When the time finally came to split up for priesthood and relief society, I left and retrieved my own copy of No More Goodbyes that I wisely stowed for the trip. I spent the time sitting in my car, reading, and weeping a bit, squeezing all the love and acceptance I could from Sister Pearson's beautiful words. That book has been a lifeline for me in the last few weeks, and I am so grateful for it.
This leads me to my last topic for the night. Last week I read that Carol Lynn Pearson's play "Facing East" is going to be made into a movie. I am thrilled about this, simply because I can't find it being put on anywhere nearby, and I really want to see it. But being the resourceful person I am, I found a place that offered her play for a very reasonable price, and immediately bought it.
I arrived today, with a handwritten note on the first page saying "Love from Carol Lynn Pearson."
I don't know what it is about seeing someone else's writing, especially when it expresses such sweet and sincere messages such as that. But there is a life in the words others write, especially when written by their own hand. And that short message meant the world to me today.
I read the play immediately. I love it. It is so beautiful and so touching. And I could feel a bit of myself in every one of the characters. I especially loved Marcus, the boyfriend of Andrew. Andrew's suicide and the effect on others is the premise of the play. It is so clear in the way Marcus speaks, and the way that Andrew speaks about him, that their love is real. And perhaps I love it even more because I can feel the same thing I feel when I am wrapped up with my own boyfriend. Love is an absolutely precious and priceless object. You cannot fully comprehend it unless you feel it. And the wonderful thing is, it is continually changing and growing, giving you the chance to discover it anew over and over again.
Just one last note, and I'll end for tonight. Now, I know what temptation feels like. I understand the almost physical pressure, blurring of the senses, and feeling of numbing darkness that accompanies it in one form or another. But that is not what I feel when I am with my boyfriend. I feel peace. Absolute tranquility. True union with someone who has become an extension of myself. I feel love.
Perhaps Andrew from "Facing East" said it best when he said "It doesn't feel like darkness."
But I'm back! The problems aren't all gone, but do problems ever really go away? I think perhaps there are simply times when we handle them better than others.
So, one really good thing that I got from the last few weeks of wandering is the chance to read Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection. I referenced Brene earlier when I wrote about her vulnerability speech. But this is basically her guidebook on how to live wholeheartedly. It's an incredible read. Unlike other "self-help" books, she hits right to the center of the things that are causing many of us conflict and tension in our lives. I would highly, highly recommend it. In fact, I'll link you to amazon right now.
This last week has been rather nice. My boyfriend's mother came into town, and from last Wednesday to today we've spent every evening at his sister's house so that he could be with his mom. He is such a momma's boy, and he knows it. I loved seeing the excitement in his eye when he was with her. They don't get to see one another nearly often enough, but this week was nice for them.
But the time I spent with them was different for me as well. Now, I've been at his sister's house plenty of times, and I had gotten to know her husband and daughter. But this week with all of us together it felt like I became much more a part of the family than before. I got closer to both my bf's sister and her husband, and I think the husband would be okay with getting me as a brother-in-law. Finally someone in the family to play Call of Duty with him. ;)
Tonight, as we had our last dinner with his mom, they began talking about my boyfriend getting a car this summer (I've been a happy chauffeur for a year now). "I could come and see you guys much more often," he said to his sister. She then looked at me and said "But you still have to bring Ty. Just because he doesn't have to drive you doesn't mean he doesn't get to come." That made me feel really good.
We've never talked to them about it, but we're pretty darn sure they know about us dating. Otherwise it would be really odd for them to invite me to dinner for the past five nights. I'm not sure how they feel about it all. But I think they see that we are happy with each other. They see the fruits of our relationship in other aspects of our lives. And even though they might not understand it, and they might not agree with it, they love us all the same. And that makes me feel good.
Since we're talking about families, I'll segue into a bit about my own. I went home this weekend (two and a half hour drive!). I stopped on the way to visit my grandmother, who has taken quite a beating health-wise in the last couple years. She was thrilled to see me, and I was just as happy to see her. I've always felt a connection to this grandmother, and if I were to come out to someone in my extended family, it would probably be her. She has such an unconditional love, and she is able to get rid of prejudice when it interferes with her family. What an angel she is. I think I'll make a habit of visiting every time I go home.
My immediate family was doing well. They moved into a new house a month ago, and they're finally getting settled. It was really good to see them. My mom has definitely softened up. I sent her a copy of Carol Lynn Pearson's No More Goodbyes, and although she's never mentioned it since, it seems like she may have read it. The weekend was nice, simply because I got to sit around and be a part of a family. Nothing too eventful. Just a nice weekend.
Although, when we got to sacrament meeting yesterday, the first speaker stands up and announces that she's been assigned President Packer's talk as her subject. My heart dropped and I prepared for the worst. Thankfully, she was very judicial and stuck to the material, using scripture simply to reiterate what President Packer said. All the same, it was still hard to sit through. I am grateful, however, that she wasn't offensive about it.
When the time finally came to split up for priesthood and relief society, I left and retrieved my own copy of No More Goodbyes that I wisely stowed for the trip. I spent the time sitting in my car, reading, and weeping a bit, squeezing all the love and acceptance I could from Sister Pearson's beautiful words. That book has been a lifeline for me in the last few weeks, and I am so grateful for it.
This leads me to my last topic for the night. Last week I read that Carol Lynn Pearson's play "Facing East" is going to be made into a movie. I am thrilled about this, simply because I can't find it being put on anywhere nearby, and I really want to see it. But being the resourceful person I am, I found a place that offered her play for a very reasonable price, and immediately bought it.
I arrived today, with a handwritten note on the first page saying "Love from Carol Lynn Pearson."
I don't know what it is about seeing someone else's writing, especially when it expresses such sweet and sincere messages such as that. But there is a life in the words others write, especially when written by their own hand. And that short message meant the world to me today.
I read the play immediately. I love it. It is so beautiful and so touching. And I could feel a bit of myself in every one of the characters. I especially loved Marcus, the boyfriend of Andrew. Andrew's suicide and the effect on others is the premise of the play. It is so clear in the way Marcus speaks, and the way that Andrew speaks about him, that their love is real. And perhaps I love it even more because I can feel the same thing I feel when I am wrapped up with my own boyfriend. Love is an absolutely precious and priceless object. You cannot fully comprehend it unless you feel it. And the wonderful thing is, it is continually changing and growing, giving you the chance to discover it anew over and over again.
Just one last note, and I'll end for tonight. Now, I know what temptation feels like. I understand the almost physical pressure, blurring of the senses, and feeling of numbing darkness that accompanies it in one form or another. But that is not what I feel when I am with my boyfriend. I feel peace. Absolute tranquility. True union with someone who has become an extension of myself. I feel love.
Perhaps Andrew from "Facing East" said it best when he said "It doesn't feel like darkness."
Saturday, February 12, 2011
A Glance
Do you ever just look in the mirror, and truly look at yourself? Look into your own eyes, trying to pierce through and see the soul that lies within? It surprises me sometimes, to see the life behind those eyes, and know that it's mine. We spend so much time looking through the window of our bodies that to stop and see the being that we are can be almost a revelation.
I wonder, as I look into those blue eyes, what secrets lie beneath. What deep potential lies dormant there, waiting just beneath my fingertips? What eternities of wisdom are held within that hidden soul? What love rests deep within, for beings I do not know?
I think we are too often in the habit of degrading ourselves, of making ourselves into fallen and broken people. In an effort to bring attention to what maintenance we need, we end up declaring the whole thing a mess. What's worse, we begin to believe it.
But just a few moments before a mirror, peering into the eyes we look out of so much, and we feel the inklings of the reality of who we are. We find there a being of grace and light. A spirit of passion and goodness. Something within the eye shimmers, hinting at the fullness of glory clothed by our flesh.
I believe in the reality of the spirit. One half of the whole we claim as "I". I believe that it has existed for ages, and that this short existence is but a continuation. What things have these eyes seen? What hearts has it loved? How many long and wondering conversations have I had with people I counted close to me? To think of such things expands the limits of my own abilities to think, to learn, to teach, and to love.
As I look into those eyes, I can see the other direction as well. I wonder what these eyes will hold in five, ten, or fifty years. What things will they have seen? What tears of joy and sorrow will have fallen from them? What will I know then that I don't know now? What will I be?
In the short couple of decades that I've been here it has become evident that the circumstance that constitutes "my world" is not a permanent one. My world right now is college, my boyfriend, dealing with coming out, and working to maintain my relationship with my faith and my family. But it is a temporary world. As are they all.
So what will tomorrow's be?
I know that one day this will all be a long distant dream. Faces and names will fade with time. Passions will cool, while others are ignited. Desires come and go. And work and success mold the future with each passing day. Time is an ever changing mistress. You cannot tame her. You are at her mercy, and can only work out the details.
Such trains of thought bring new understanding of the value of a life. Eternity is held within the eyes of every person. And if you look closely, you can find God in every face. Each day more stories are lived than could ever be written. And each story interweaves with the next. We are connected inseparably to the future and the past. Our life is but a small thread in the master tapestry. Just a blink. A glance. But every glance holds another infinity.
I think we are too often in the habit of degrading ourselves, of making ourselves into fallen and broken people. In an effort to bring attention to what maintenance we need, we end up declaring the whole thing a mess. What's worse, we begin to believe it.
But just a few moments before a mirror, peering into the eyes we look out of so much, and we feel the inklings of the reality of who we are. We find there a being of grace and light. A spirit of passion and goodness. Something within the eye shimmers, hinting at the fullness of glory clothed by our flesh.
I believe in the reality of the spirit. One half of the whole we claim as "I". I believe that it has existed for ages, and that this short existence is but a continuation. What things have these eyes seen? What hearts has it loved? How many long and wondering conversations have I had with people I counted close to me? To think of such things expands the limits of my own abilities to think, to learn, to teach, and to love.
As I look into those eyes, I can see the other direction as well. I wonder what these eyes will hold in five, ten, or fifty years. What things will they have seen? What tears of joy and sorrow will have fallen from them? What will I know then that I don't know now? What will I be?
In the short couple of decades that I've been here it has become evident that the circumstance that constitutes "my world" is not a permanent one. My world right now is college, my boyfriend, dealing with coming out, and working to maintain my relationship with my faith and my family. But it is a temporary world. As are they all.
So what will tomorrow's be?
I know that one day this will all be a long distant dream. Faces and names will fade with time. Passions will cool, while others are ignited. Desires come and go. And work and success mold the future with each passing day. Time is an ever changing mistress. You cannot tame her. You are at her mercy, and can only work out the details.
Such trains of thought bring new understanding of the value of a life. Eternity is held within the eyes of every person. And if you look closely, you can find God in every face. Each day more stories are lived than could ever be written. And each story interweaves with the next. We are connected inseparably to the future and the past. Our life is but a small thread in the master tapestry. Just a blink. A glance. But every glance holds another infinity.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Born This Way
Listen to it.
Love it.
Live it.
I know this song has received a bunch of criticism, but I really like it.
On a slightly related note, I now have tickets to her concert. (Sweet!)
And I cannot wait until her album comes out. Only three more (long) months.
Anyway, enjoy.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
We Are All Connected
I'd like to start this post with a couple announcements.
First, Lady Gaga's single will be released at 7:00 am on Friday, February 11th. Be there.
Next, the announcement was made in my Gender class that David Pruden, the director of Evergreen, will be speaking in my class of 60 people on Thursday. I'm not exactly thrilled about this, but it should still be enlightening. But there will likely be a question and answer period. So, if you have any possible questions to ask him, leave them in a comment and we'll see what happens.
Alright. So today was Gender class. Now that we're getting into the juicy stuff I'll try to post regularly about the goings on in that class.
Today started with the charge that our professor left us with last week. Namely, based on the reality of attraction, shouldn't the standards for gay and straight people be the same. She didn't open it up for discussion, but rather tried to help the class see from a more sympathetic point of view.
"These people don't know why they're born this way," she said. A very strong point made by a BYU professor, but one that I'm sure we'd all agree with. She then asked that the class have more empathy for those of us who are attracted to our own gender. She said that growing up gay in the church is very lonely, and that to live the gospel means facing a life of loneliness, along with denying ourselves love, marriage, kissing, and dating, things they didn't even think twice about.
She concluded by speaking to the class from a psychological point of view. "Empathy is the best predictor of a good outcome in a therapist/patient relationship. You can say that it's wrong as a lay person, but as a clinician, you have to be empathetic. A clinician's purpose is not to criticize. It is to help the patient heal."
I am continually impressed by this professor. She has compassion that is rarely seen on campus. Of any class to be discussing these issues, and to potentially be taking an active role in, I am glad that I am in her class.
It's not where I intended to go with this, but I want to end talking a bit about love. I don't mean in the romantic sense, at least not tonight. But rather, in the sense that we are all members of the human family.
I love the movie "Lady in the Water." I know it received a lot of criticism, and that many people didn't like it. But I loved it. It is one of my absolute favorites. I can't watch it without tearing up. I highly recommend it.
To truly appreciate it you need to look beyond the story itself. It's not about a nymph or a hotel repair man. It's so much deeper. It's about you and me, and the purpose each of us has in coming to earth. Each of us is here to touch someone else, to change someone.
The story is about a water nymph named Story, who has come to our realm to find a certain person, and to be seen by him. All he needs to do is see her, and something in him will change, and he will write a book that will change the future. This man sees her, and is deeply struck. Later, he comes to her and says, "I don't know who you are, but you did something to me. My thoughts... everything became clearer. The fears that were muddling my thoughts just went away. I can hear myself."
She looks him in the eyes and asks, "Do you wish to know your future?" He nods.
"A boy in the midwest of this land will grow up in a home where your book will be on the shelf and spoken of often. He will grow up with these ideas in his head. He will grow into a great orator. He will speak, and his words will be heard throughout this land and throughout the world. This boy will become leader of this country, and begin a movement of great change. He will speak of you, and your words. Your book will be the seeds of many of his great thoughts. They will be the seeds of change."
It is a beautiful scene, full of power and hope.
Later, the man is talking with the nymph again. His book is done.
"You can see things in the future," he says.
"Some things," she replies.
"I have a question to ask you."
"I will do my best to answer it."
"You'll tell me the truth, right?"
"Yes."
And so he begins. "Change doesn't happen, the way you say it's going to happen, without dramatic events that accelerate thinking. I wrote this thing. It might take decades or longer to create a reaction, before it anchors in the consciousness. That's not the type of change you're telling me is going to happen, right?"
She doesn't answer, and he continues.
"I was wondering why he didn't meet me, this leader who's just a boy. If he was so inspired by my words, why didn't he try to meet me."
The camera pans around the corner to her face, full of knowing, and sorrow.
"There's a lot of things in this book people won't like to hear. I'm not anything, you know. I don't think I'm anything special. So I started thinking, 'how's this going to happen? Why are people suddenly going to take me seriously? And why didn't he meet me?' And I thought of how it could happen... Story, I wanted to ask you, is something going to happen to me? Is someone going to kill me because I write this?"
"Yes."
And then her powerful words:
"Man thinks they are each alone in this world. It is not true. You are all connected. One act can one day affect all."
I cannot do this justice in this post. Please, rent this and watch it. Or if you don't want to rent it, we'll have a movie night and watch it. It is such an absolutely beautiful film.
From the first time I saw this, I was struck by that phrase. "Man thinks they are each alone in this world. It is not true. You are all connected."
How often do we go through this life, bearing the burdens of a lonely soul? How often do we weep where no one can see? How many nights do we plead for a brighter day? We walk through crowds of people on the street, on the subway, on campus, everywhere we go. We pass them each, feeling worlds apart from them. Feeling isolated from them. Feeling alone.
But we are not alone.
We need one another. We need to support one another. To strengthen one another, rather than break down or demean. Each of us is a divine creation. We have been granted gifts and talents that make us priceless, of infinite worth. And we were sent to a world surrounded by one another in order to bless and strengthen one another. To work together, to laugh together, to cry together, and to wipe away one another's tears.
We are here to touch one another, to change the world, one heart at a time. To comfort those who are lonely, and to lift those who are in despair.
For we are all connected.
First, Lady Gaga's single will be released at 7:00 am on Friday, February 11th. Be there.
Next, the announcement was made in my Gender class that David Pruden, the director of Evergreen, will be speaking in my class of 60 people on Thursday. I'm not exactly thrilled about this, but it should still be enlightening. But there will likely be a question and answer period. So, if you have any possible questions to ask him, leave them in a comment and we'll see what happens.
Alright. So today was Gender class. Now that we're getting into the juicy stuff I'll try to post regularly about the goings on in that class.
Today started with the charge that our professor left us with last week. Namely, based on the reality of attraction, shouldn't the standards for gay and straight people be the same. She didn't open it up for discussion, but rather tried to help the class see from a more sympathetic point of view.
"These people don't know why they're born this way," she said. A very strong point made by a BYU professor, but one that I'm sure we'd all agree with. She then asked that the class have more empathy for those of us who are attracted to our own gender. She said that growing up gay in the church is very lonely, and that to live the gospel means facing a life of loneliness, along with denying ourselves love, marriage, kissing, and dating, things they didn't even think twice about.
She concluded by speaking to the class from a psychological point of view. "Empathy is the best predictor of a good outcome in a therapist/patient relationship. You can say that it's wrong as a lay person, but as a clinician, you have to be empathetic. A clinician's purpose is not to criticize. It is to help the patient heal."
I am continually impressed by this professor. She has compassion that is rarely seen on campus. Of any class to be discussing these issues, and to potentially be taking an active role in, I am glad that I am in her class.
It's not where I intended to go with this, but I want to end talking a bit about love. I don't mean in the romantic sense, at least not tonight. But rather, in the sense that we are all members of the human family.
I love the movie "Lady in the Water." I know it received a lot of criticism, and that many people didn't like it. But I loved it. It is one of my absolute favorites. I can't watch it without tearing up. I highly recommend it.
To truly appreciate it you need to look beyond the story itself. It's not about a nymph or a hotel repair man. It's so much deeper. It's about you and me, and the purpose each of us has in coming to earth. Each of us is here to touch someone else, to change someone.
The story is about a water nymph named Story, who has come to our realm to find a certain person, and to be seen by him. All he needs to do is see her, and something in him will change, and he will write a book that will change the future. This man sees her, and is deeply struck. Later, he comes to her and says, "I don't know who you are, but you did something to me. My thoughts... everything became clearer. The fears that were muddling my thoughts just went away. I can hear myself."
She looks him in the eyes and asks, "Do you wish to know your future?" He nods.
"A boy in the midwest of this land will grow up in a home where your book will be on the shelf and spoken of often. He will grow up with these ideas in his head. He will grow into a great orator. He will speak, and his words will be heard throughout this land and throughout the world. This boy will become leader of this country, and begin a movement of great change. He will speak of you, and your words. Your book will be the seeds of many of his great thoughts. They will be the seeds of change."
It is a beautiful scene, full of power and hope.
Later, the man is talking with the nymph again. His book is done.
"You can see things in the future," he says.
"Some things," she replies.
"I have a question to ask you."
"I will do my best to answer it."
"You'll tell me the truth, right?"
"Yes."
And so he begins. "Change doesn't happen, the way you say it's going to happen, without dramatic events that accelerate thinking. I wrote this thing. It might take decades or longer to create a reaction, before it anchors in the consciousness. That's not the type of change you're telling me is going to happen, right?"
She doesn't answer, and he continues.
"I was wondering why he didn't meet me, this leader who's just a boy. If he was so inspired by my words, why didn't he try to meet me."
The camera pans around the corner to her face, full of knowing, and sorrow.
"There's a lot of things in this book people won't like to hear. I'm not anything, you know. I don't think I'm anything special. So I started thinking, 'how's this going to happen? Why are people suddenly going to take me seriously? And why didn't he meet me?' And I thought of how it could happen... Story, I wanted to ask you, is something going to happen to me? Is someone going to kill me because I write this?"
"Yes."
And then her powerful words:
"Man thinks they are each alone in this world. It is not true. You are all connected. One act can one day affect all."
I cannot do this justice in this post. Please, rent this and watch it. Or if you don't want to rent it, we'll have a movie night and watch it. It is such an absolutely beautiful film.
From the first time I saw this, I was struck by that phrase. "Man thinks they are each alone in this world. It is not true. You are all connected."
How often do we go through this life, bearing the burdens of a lonely soul? How often do we weep where no one can see? How many nights do we plead for a brighter day? We walk through crowds of people on the street, on the subway, on campus, everywhere we go. We pass them each, feeling worlds apart from them. Feeling isolated from them. Feeling alone.
But we are not alone.
We need one another. We need to support one another. To strengthen one another, rather than break down or demean. Each of us is a divine creation. We have been granted gifts and talents that make us priceless, of infinite worth. And we were sent to a world surrounded by one another in order to bless and strengthen one another. To work together, to laugh together, to cry together, and to wipe away one another's tears.
We are here to touch one another, to change the world, one heart at a time. To comfort those who are lonely, and to lift those who are in despair.
For we are all connected.
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