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Friday, April 27, 2012

Goodbye To You

Alex started texting me today.

We talked for a bit. About our struggles, why we didn't work. Later, he asked if I would meet him so that we could talk. I was wary, because I didn't want to get sucked in to anything or be manipulated. But I agreed to meet him.

I pulled up next to him and got into his car. The rain was pouring down. He looks good. Better than he did a couple months ago. 

We talked. About his issues, about my struggles. About this guy. It was clear that this boy doesn't hold a candle to what I had in Alex's heart. And Alex doesn't see it going anywhere. As messed up as that is, it was a relief to me. 

He still misses me. He said that he could never fully give me what I needed. And he's right. I was so empty so much, just wishing he could give me what I needed. He said he tried. And he did. But he has his own issues that keep him from fully loving himself, and from loving others. He said that no one has been as close to him as me. 

I miss him. I talked about being so angry at him. About missing him. And I told him how this whole thing made me feel so unwanted, so worthless, like he would rather be with someone else besides me. This hit him hard, and really hurt him. Not in an offended way. But in how much it hurt him that he hurt me. I could see his pain. And all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and take his pain away. And I wanted him to take my pain away. 

He told me that for the first time he was actually feeling the emotions, that he actually was wishing that it could have been him that I ended up with. That he truly wished it could have been him. I could see it on his face.

We talked for a long time. We laughed, cried, and I felt the weight of it all. That no matter what, everything I felt was over. It was gone. And even if I could take this boy back right now, it would not give me back what I had. 

I felt so empty at that thought. 

The night got later, and our emotions more tender. He told me that I should go, because he was feeling weak. I wanted him to feel weak, because I felt weak. 

I reached over to hug him. His scent filled me. "You still smell the same," he said. "So do you," I said. I took another deep breath, then somehow pulled myself away from him. In a mere moment it all hit me. It filled me with all the feelings I had felt. I was shocked at the depth of it. Did I really love him this much? Did I really know him this deeply? Had he really been that mine? I sat back in the passenger seat and stared at the console in front of me. I'd forgotten how much. How deep. How real. It was so real...

I put my hand on the door handle, then turned to look at him. I could see it in his eyes. He was feeling exactly what I felt. He wanted me as much as I wanted him. He ached for me as much as I ached for him. 

Somehow I opened the door and got out. I stepped into the freezing rain, then into my car. I began convulsing, having an honest to god physical reaction to have just smelled him and touched him again. I was so addicted to him...

I shook for several minutes. Alex stayed parked right next to me. I shook, wondering if he would step out of the car, or somehow motion for me to get back in. I wanted him to. I wanted so badly for him to ask me to come back. He texted me, asking if I was alright. "I want you so badly." I wrote back. And with that, I sealed my fate. He was firm in his resolve then, when I was completely crumbling and weak. 

He pulled away, then called me. He talked me through the rush I was feeling. It was just like I was having true withdrawals! Like I was suffering a bout of a drug I had been off of for so long! He talked me back to sanity, clearly talking himself back as well. 

I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I had just lingered in our embrace, or if I had stepped back into his car. If I had just stayed. 

I drove home. We continued talking, him telling me it had to happen, and me wishing that it could work. 

"Ty," he said, "we tried so hard, but it didn't work." And for whatever reason, the fact that it is over makes that true. 

"We tried so hard, Alex. We tried so hard." "I know Ty. I know."

I can't fight it anymore. It doesn't matter why anymore. But it is over. It's done. I feel such a deep emptiness. For just a brief moment I felt how deeply I loved him. And I beg God in heaven that he will let me love like that again. That he will let me feel so deeply for another human being again. There is nothing like that feeling. If there is any reward for the trials and sorrows of life, it is loving someone else that way. 

Alex, if you ever read this, I love you. I have never loved like I loved you. You changed my life. And though it fell to pieces in the end, it was a glorious experience, and I will never be the same. 

I love you Alex. 



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