Who We Really Are

My blog inbox is getting stagnant. A new post is made once every couple of days, and I'm convinced that everyone else has gotten just as slammed with life as I have. So I decided that I would at least contribute to everyone else's inbox with a new post. It was either that, or read the book I keep putting off for literature class.


Problem is that I'm not quite sure what I want to write about. I've had a couple things pop into my head in the last few days, but I don't really feel like writing about those things right now. 


School has been going well. It's busy, but good. My gender class has been interesting. We've spent the last few weeks talking about gender roles and the way they play a huge role in life. In the midst of this I realized that one of the nice things about being gay is that we are completely exempt from the Nazi-like rules of the male gender stereotype. By my mere nature, I defy it. As a child I liked dolls and the Little Mermaid. In elementary I liked make believe on the big toy, not sports. And now, I like Lady Gaga and artsy movies. Being an average guy I would be completely ridiculed by this. I would be a disgrace to the male gender. But by being gay I am excused from the macho male table and allowed to sit at a table that actually celebrates my love of dance club music and spending way too much money at the mall. The things that would make me an outcast in the male gender stereotype actually elevate me in the gay role. Kinda nice.


So a couple weeks ago I came across some notes made by one of the professors in the department I work for called "Homosexual Notes." (Funny, I didn't know that notes had an orientation.) My curiosity got the best of me, and I took a look. I really didn't find anything I hadn't heard before, but it was interesting how the tone of these notes was almost novice. It was clear that he had little literal understanding of my situation. His notes are based on theories discussed by Joe Dallas, and detail the common theory that homosexuality is the result of "sexualized needs for same-gender acceptance." That kind of bothered me. 


Don't get me wrong, I completely understand the logic of it all. Many of us felt like we didn't fit in as we grew up. And so it is easy to say that because we were never accepted we sought for that acceptance, and then sexualized it as we got older. However, while the logic may be sound, I feel like there are some holes in it. 


For example, at the end of his notes it said that "not all boys who don’t get their need for same-sex emotional bonding sexualize these needs however." For the sexualization of unmet needs to be the cause of homosexuality, that means that it has to be present in every case of homosexuality, and that it is the only cause of homosexuality. It also means, at least to my understanding, that this would have to cause homosexuality in every single case where those same-sex needs are not met. But his very statement says that not all boys sexualize it. That seems inconsistent to me.


He later makes the comment, while jotting notes on reparative therapy, that complete homosexuals do not always become complete heterosexuals through that therapy. That also seems to contradict the theory. If these unmet needs were the only true cause of homosexuality, then would not satisfying those needs cause the complete and utter cessation of homosexual feelings? Apparently not.


And what about all those boys who are completely rejected by their peers. They are not accepted by other boys. They are outcasts. Yet, they are not gay. How can you say one boy in this situation will sexualize those unmet needs and another won't? I'm sorry, but it seems to me that those things are determined well before adolescence. In fact, isn't that when most of us realized that we were different than other boys? 


In fact, there is no way whatsoever to prove that it was not the homosexual nature that caused the rejection by the rest of the peer group. It's the proverbial chicken and the egg, and unfortunately, because we cannot manipulate gender nor orientation, it can never be proved. So it thus remains theory, and only a theory. 


These things were going through my head as I was supposed to be studying for my Gender Studies class, and I took a break and wrote my thoughts out on the back of my study guide.


I was thinking about our nature. Not our sexual orientation, but rather those personality traits that set us apart from the general male population. The previously stated theory was going through my head, and here is what I wrote:


Common ideas among conservative psychologists is that rejection by the same gender, or lack of identification with the same gender, leads to unfulfilled same-sex needs which are sexualized later in life. 


Following this theory, rejection of this would lead to embracing opposite gender traits and roles, because one does not "belong" in the other gender. Had the behavior that caused the rejection been simply due to a mix-up of gender traits/roles, the behavior would change so as to meet the approval of the same gender group, and acceptance would occur, and homosexuality would not happen.


However, children as young as two or three show opposite gender traits, including favoritism for opposite-gender toys (the most reliable predictor of future homosexual orientation for men (Bailey & Zucker, 1995)). They are not forced to develop opposite-gender traits (children have not even recognized the existence of gender roles at this time). The traits are simply there. So irregardless of the same-gender group, the child develops traits that commonly belong to the opposite gender. And at rejection they cannot change them, because they are inherent in the personality. 


Thus, the emotional/personality traits of gay and lesbian people are not developed, but are there from birth. How many parents comment that their baby seems to have a personality all his own, even at just a few months old. And those traits follow the child through life. 


Based on the Proclamation on the Family, my gender (which in all technicality is not anatomy, but the emotional personality of a person) is eternal, thus my psychological/personality gender traits are pre-inborn and eternal.


Since we were children we felt different. Since we were toddlers we acted differently. We were more sensitive. We didn't like fighting or conflict. We seemed to be much more attuned to the emotions of other people. We saw beauty where other boys only saw something to smash. We had traits that simply weren't common for boys. But those traits are ours. Our personality is eternal. 


Now, I haven't said anything about actual attraction, because when you throw the body into the mix crazy things happen. (And I just haven't gotten that far in my own thought process). But I find great comfort in the fact that my personality traits, which are often the first things that make others believe one is gay, are not wrong. They cannot, and should not be changed. We are talking about trying to stifle God-given spiritual gifts. And I don't like that idea. :)


But let's look at a couple other things, straying from the scientific side of things. Let's make a list of classical male traits:


 - strong
 - independent
 - masculine
 - assertive
 - tough


Now a list of feminine traits:


 - affectionate
 - sentimental
 - submissive
 - nurturing
 - meek
 - emotional


Now ask yourself, which of these sounds more like the Savior, as we see him in the scriptures? Ironically enough, the feminine traits fit him better. However, from other parts of the scriptures we see that he can be strong, assertive, masculine, and tough when he needs to be. But the thing that surprises us the most (and evidently the writers of the scriptures) was that he possessed a strong amount of traditionally feminine traits.


Taking that a bit further, with the decree that we must become as Christ is, we can see that we must become a blend of male and female traits. In this light, the declaration that it is not good for man to be alone makes sense. A man and a woman coming together allows them to work on each other, like yin and yang, and to be complete people.


However, many of us are already endowed with the treasured feminine traits. (Sometimes it's the masculine ones we need to work on!) In her book No More Goodbyes, Carol Lynn Pearson makes an interesting comment. She talks about a two-piece sculpture of a man and a woman, beautifully intertwined. 


"The figures were so right. Trevor created male and female to be together, just like God did. Why couldn't Gerald (her husband) see that, know that, feel that? The response I'd heard from him so often: 'Of course. Male and female together. Only some of us find that wedding within ourselves instead of with another of the opposite sex.' It never made sense to me, but it did to Gerald. And to Trevor."


And to me. 


In this light, I see the traits I have been given as a marvelous gift. Last semester I took a class based on values and character, and one of the assignments was to go through a list of values and name our top eight. Without hesitation, my number one value was compassion. It is something I have been given, something I need so much more of, and a gift that I treasure as a priceless jewel. I would never give away the traits that make me an outlier. They make me who I am.


I don't know how things really all fit together. Maybe someday God will fill us in on the details. But I know for sure that he created me as a unique and beautiful creature. As that rare 5%, we have been given gifts that can change the world, if we use them. We can return hate with love, intolerance with compassion, and angry misunderstanding with acceptance and explanation. Of all people to have received these precious gifts, doesn't it make sense that it would be us?


It makes sense to me

Lessons from 5 Sages: 3 Doors Down, Buddha, Elder Wirthlin, C.S. Lewis, and Lady Gaga

It's been a while since I've written, and a lot of things have come to my mind lately. But these three things have stood out the strongest lately. And as I was thinking about them today, I realized that they are all connected.

The first is the song "If I could be like that" by 3 Doors Down.




I love the lyrics. They're piercing.

He’s spent his whole life being too young

To live the life that’s in his dreams
And then he lies awake and he wonders
Why can't that be me?

'Cause in his life he is filled 
With all these good intentions
He's left a lot of thing
He'd rather not mention right now

Just before he says goodnight
He looks up with a little smile at me
And he says

"If I could be like that 
Well I would give anything
Just to live one day
In those shoes"

If I could be like that
What would I do?
What would I do?

Now in dreams we run

She spends her days up in the north park
Watching the people as they pass
And all she wants is just a little piece of this dream
Is that too much to ask?

With a safe home and a warm bed
On a quiet little street
All she wants is just that something to hold on to
That's all she needs

If I could be like that 
Well I would give anything
Just to live one day
In those shoes

If I could be like that
What would I do?
What would I do?

I'm falling into this in dreams
We run away

If I could be like that 
Well I would give anything
Just to live one day
In those shoes

If I could be like that
What would I do?
What would I do?

How many times in my life have I felt like the boy at the beginning of the song, perpetually outside looking in, seeing my dreams just beyond my fingertips? 

How many times have I said those words to myself?

If I could be like that 
Well I would give anything
Just to live one day
In those shoes

It's almost heartbreaking to think of how long I've been waiting. Waiting for life to start. Waiting to be loved. Waiting to be happy. Waiting to be worth something. 

But the more I think about it, the more I believe that waiting is focused on the wrong thing. I've been waiting for ages for the outside world to fulfill internal needs. I need to love myself, and I need to live my life right now. Then I can have those days I've dreamed of.

I believe it was Buddha that said "Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without."

But it is one thing to understand that, and another to internalize it. 

I spent a lot of my life trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be. Because if I was perfect for them, then they would love me. I would be lovable. And then I would be happy. 

But I was never perfect. And even when I got close, others never made me happy. 

I think that is something that many members of the church can relate to. It is in that light that I reference the late Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin.

"Some are lost because they are different. They feel as though they don’t belong. Perhaps because they are different, they find themselves slipping away from the flock. They may look, act, think, and speak differently than those around them and that sometimes causes them to assume they don’t fit in. They conclude that they are not needed.


"Tied to this misconception is the erroneous belief that all members of the Church should look, talk, and be alike. The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of Heavenly Father’s children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole.
This variety of creation itself is a testament of how the Lord values all His children. He does not esteem one flesh above another, but He “inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; . . . all are alike unto God.”


". . .Brothers and sisters, if only we had more compassion for those who are different from us, it would lighten many of the problems and sorrows in the world today. It would certainly make our families and the Church a more hallowed and heavenly place."


I have felt that way. Perhaps I always have. Especially here in Provo there is a false belief that the only kind of good person is a person that looks and acts and talks a certain way. Everyone feels the pressure to be that person, and no one ever becomes that person. Thus, Utah has made its way as the most depressed state in the nation. Because we never feel like we are enough. 


Yet, while we struggle, we send others the message that they're not enough. But true Christianity, true charity, means loving and accepting others, telling them that they're enough, even when they aren't perfect. Even if you completely disagree with them. 


That leads me to my final point. To begin, I'd like to reference this video:






Yup, that's Lady Gaga. Or, Stefani Germanotti, to be exact. The resemblance is definitely there, but something changed between the salad-eating days and the days of international stardom.


Had we been a customer in that restaurant we would have looked right over her, passed her right by. She seems a girl of no consequence, someone who won't amount to much. Dare I say she even looks borderline frumpy (my sincere apologies to all the disciples of Gaga who find that blasphemous).


If we had stopped and spoken to her we may have learned that she was a struggling musician, that she played night clubs waiting for her big break, but we probably wouldn't have really believed that she would become something great.


But here she is today:

Who knew that within the seemingly inconsequential girl of Stefani Germanotti was a person that would send a ripple throughout the world, influencing others with her music, and becoming an international icon?


No one knew. And that's the point.


Within each and every one of us is someone that can change the world. Each of us has a message for the people of this earth. Each of us has something of value, and if we let that out, we can do incredible things.


C.S. Lewis said:
"There are no 'ordinary' people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations -- these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit -- immortal horrors or everlasting splendors."
"It is a serious thing," says Lewis, "to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship."


We have limitations and obstacles, of course. But greatness and happiness are within our grasp. Perhaps we are waiting, dreaming of the day that we can live "in those shoes." But we don't have to. We don't have to be lost, feeling like outcasts. Because peace comes from within, so does power. So does joy. So does confidence and security and faith. We are mighty beings, kept from reaching our great potential simply by our own self-doubt. 


But if we can overcome that doubt, that fear, we can become great. We can change the world. And greatest of all, we can be happy.

Denying Vulnerability

I know I haven't posted for a while, but judging by how few blog updates I found on my dashboard, it was a busy week for everyone.

My last real post was about certainty, something that I've thought about ever since. The day after my certainty post I had a meeting with my therapist, and it was a really hard meeting. The confidence that I had the preceding week was officially shattered during that session, and to be quite honest I was somewhat hurt by the things my therapist said. Or perhaps it was more the unspoken words that hurt. Regardless, it sent me reeling back into the chasm of confusion and doubt, and despite the last week of climbing I'm still not quite out.

But I have been thinking about certainty and about faith. I really appreciate Rob's comment on my post. I also really liked his post on his own blog. He always gives very sound counsel. But it actually seems somewhat ironic that in the LDS church we have come to link certainty and faith as synonyms, when really, they are complete opposites. If we have faith, we don't know things for certain. We have assurance. We believe. We say that we know, but that knowledge is not a certainty. It is faith. And really, it is the lack of certainty that makes faith powerful.

I can't for the life of me remember where I read this, whether on a blog, in an article, or in No More Goodbyes, but I read something about how religion used to be a belief in mystery that explained what doesn't make sense. But now we have changed religion in order to define every minute detail of what doesn't make sense. But that kind of defeats the purpose. (Just found the reference. It's on the video of Brene Brown that I reference later).

So maybe, just maybe we aren't meant to understand everything. Are we supposed to ask? By all means, yes! But do we need a detailed explanation in order to move forward at all? No. And we're not going to get one. And technically, that's what we teach in the church. But few actually want to go forward without that certainty.

Because if you aren't certain, there's room for doubt. It's possible that you're wrong. And if you're not certain you're vulnerable. And no one likes being vulnerable.

I love this video of Brene Brown, and can't do it justice in a few words. But she talks about how the way to truly live is to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable can open the way to true living.

By no means am I ready for this. But I'm going to try. To be frank, it scares the hell out of me. But I'm tired of living my life striving for perfection in order to compensate for my vulnerability. Because ultimately, it led me to a position where I didn't even know what I liked or wanted in life. I didn't even know who I was. Because I'd never dared to open up and find out.

But if we don't open up and truly live, then what point is there in living at all?

No More Goodbyes

Today I got the book "No More Goodbyes" by Carol Lynn Pearson in the mail.
I haven't been able to put it down, and I don't think my eyes have been dry for several hours.

I've already ordered one to be sent to my mom.

For anyone that is gay or knows someone who is gay, this is a MUST read!

Searching for Certainty

My boyfriend and I had an interesting conversation today. We talked a bit about our relationship, and we both agree that this phase of our relationship is nearing an end. We discussed things like moving in together, and even marriage. It made me smile to see the subtle excitement in his eyes as we talked about some of that. But I could also see some of the nervous apprehension that I knew was in my own eyes.

There are some big steps coming up, and these type of steps require certainty. I have always been the type that hates risks. I want to know the result before I make the decision. I don't want to risk anything. And it's the same way with this. I want to know for certain that this is the guy. I don't want any doubt. But it's difficult to have that certainty when I've never dated anyone else. Heck, I've barely even had conversations with other gay guys. I know that I love him, but I want to know for certain that I want him above anyone else. But where does such certainty come from?

I know that relationships are things of risk and trust by their very nature. It doesn't matter if you're gay or straight, we all experience these things. So where does the certainty come from that motivates people to pledge their love to each other and build a life together, despite the hardships? Perhaps the certainty is already here, and the doubt I'm experiencing is simply there for its own sake. I don't know.

Our conversation shifted from there to more religious topics. We don't often talk about being gay in a religious context, so tonight was interesting. My boyfriend mentioned the fact that I had dated a girl before, and that I had experienced attraction to some small degree. He said that if we did end up together, he didn't want me to be living a lie, or deceiving myself. But that's how I felt before. And that's what I feel like when I think of having a straight relationship and living the traditional life. Like it would be trying to fit myself to others' expectations, having to stifle the parts of me that the world didn't want.

And then, once again, we come to doubt. My boyfriend and I talked about our whole situation from a religious standpoint, wondering aloud what the real solution was. Where do we fit in the grand scheme of things? What role do we play in God's plans for everything?

The more we talked the more I felt the need for revelation reaffirmed. We need answers, and only divine ones will suffice. I've heard convincing cases for and against homosexuality using the scriptures, and so it's clear that our definitive answer isn't there. And the solutions that the church offers seem to rob our lives of all purpose and joy. Yet the plan the world sets before me destroys all certainty from a religious standpoint. So what's the answer? I feel like the only thing that will suffice is the word of God directly from his lips. We need answers, and we need the ordained prophet of God to receive them. So I hope he's asking.

But we're taught that God gave us two lines to heaven. The prophet is one. And the other is the one we claim directly. One that I have neglected to use for some time. And when it comes to this issue, I seem to have always avoided the subject. I don't know that I've ever actually prayed and asked right out what he would have me do, or what his viewpoint was. And I think I'm scared to. I don't want to go back to the dark place I was before, feeling conflicted and tormented by two seemingly-incongruent parts of myself. There was no peace nor happiness there.

I know what I'd like to hear. I want to be told that there is a purpose in all this, that my attraction is part of a grand design, and that I can find happiness through a family of my own. I have heard from others who felt that God was leading them that way, but is that where he wants me?

I think what I want most is to have my own conviction reaffirmed, regardless of what that is. But the thing is, I never felt divine confirmation that my guilt-inducing, self-hating philosophy was right.

So maybe it's time I start turning my attention heavenward. Perhaps with time and effort I will be able to finally ask God what he thinks about all this. But I need to be free from any other influence, personal, cultural, emotional, etc. I need to be able to know that what I receive is from him. And to do that I need to be free from all bias, ready to receive any answer. Come to think of it, that's exactly what the church needs as well. We need to be ready to accept the answer, whatever it may be.

I take great comfort in the fact that my God looks upon my heart, and that throughout the tumultuous events of the last year he has been judging me based on my sincere desires. I am grateful for a God of mercy, who never condemns nor abandons. And I take strength in my God of change, who takes the rough man that I am and works to mold me into someone more compassionate, more forgiving, more willing to serve and to love. And when it comes down to it, I think those changes are more important to my God than my orientation.

In this situation it sometimes feels like we are alone, and that no one is willing to understand. But I know that God is. Perhaps my view of God strays from the "traditional" understanding of who he is. But I'll take my ever-present God of compassion over a fearsome God of anger any day.

On that note, I love this scripture. It has come to represent all that God has done for me. And that impact has been made simply by being there.

"...I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."

Prayers for Bobby, and for Everyone Else

I really don't know how to start this post. Words just seem to fail what I'm feeling. I hope that, in the end, they will convey what I want to say.

In the past few days I have been reading "Prayers for Bobby." It is a story all too familiar for those of us within the paradoxical society of gay Mormons. It follows the life of Bobby Griffin, a young boy raised in the seventies and eighties, and his intense internal battle between his faith and his sexuality.

This book pulls from his diaries, which were his only consolation during the intense and painful battle he fought. To read of the intense self-hatred he felt, the despair at having failed God for not changing, and the darkness he inevitably sunk into breaks my heart. This young man was in pain, searching somewhere for hope and for peace in a life that was intent on torturing him. But he never found it.

Early in the morning of August 27th, 1983, Bobby Griffin leaped from a bridge into oncoming traffic.

His story is one of tragedy. Not because of his sexual orientation, nor because of his efforts in working with it. It is a tragedy because of the misery he experienced. Because the only escape he could find was death. It is a tragedy because of the way he could never find goodness in himself, because of his intense self-judgment. Because he never learned to love the amazing person that he was. He never felt like he was enough. He never felt that he was anything of worth. And he simply couldn't fight it anymore.

I ache as I read this story. I ache because I have been there. But more so because I know that thousands of young people are going through the exact same thing. They feel rejected, hated, and worthless. They fight to find some happiness, but it escapes them. There are so many. And so many don't know where to turn for help.

I don't know how many people will read this post, but I need to send my own message to those that are fighting their own internal battles. Especially to those who are gay members of the church.

First, please know that you are not alone. There are so many of us who are in the same situation. We are willing to talk and to help.

But even if you don't believe it, God is there for you too. Part of you says, "No, he's not there. He won't be there until I can make myself straight, until I can overcome this challenge." But that's completely false. God doesn't work that way. We don't have to wait until we're perfect before God sends us help. Grace means that God sends us help now, even if we don't deserve it. So accept his grace, his unconditional love.

Know that you are not a freak. You are not a perversion of nature. You are endowed with gifts and abilities that make you a magnificent creature. You are of infinite worth. And your attraction does not change this. In fact, in my opinion, it simply increases your worth.

As I made my own way, working to understand how 'gay' and 'mormon' can coexist, the one message that I got from God without fail was that he loved me. And even when I begged for other answers and he chose not to respond, he always let me know that he loved me. And he loves you.

God does not condemn the homosexual. He looks on the heart. He sees us for who we really are and for what we truly desire. I know that he does not condemn me for my orientation, nor for my relationship. He rather wants me to improve my life and the lives of others around me. If we are constantly busy guilty ourselves about being gay, spending all our time and energy trying to change it when God never promised he would, then we miss the chances to truly make a difference in the lives of others. We miss the chance to connect with those who would break us free from our obsessions. Freedom lies in working to liberate others from their own sorrows.

Life is not an easy road. And we won't always get the answers we seek. Sometimes the path seems so overcrowded that we don't know which way to turn. But we are not alone on this path.

As a final note, I want simply to say that as I have come to accept and appreciate my orientation I have come to be truly happy. As I have come to love myself, and appreciate who I am as a human being, I have found inner peace.

But this acceptance doesn't mean I have to leave the church. It doesn't mean that I have to lead a promiscuousness or partying lifestyle. I can be a good, complete person with a happy and productive life. All of us can.

And all of us are worth it.

A Lighter Side

I realize that my posts have been really serious lately. So I thought I'd throw something else into the mix.

I really want to go shopping.

That's it. I want to go shopping.

And I really like this coat:

And that is all.

:)